tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81147839518476649772024-02-19T16:04:15.810-08:00Morning Walk Musings with LoveLove's random ramblings, marvelous morning musings, and anything the heck else that comes to her mind to write about.
Oh, and this blog is rated PG-13. ;-)Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-67788744115624717272021-05-01T19:09:00.000-07:002021-05-01T19:09:28.958-07:00<blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: justify;">Everything is different.</span></p></blockquote><p>Nothing is the same and I hold my hope and my heart in my hands and I cry about it.</p><p>The unfamiliar is now where I live, and I have so much work to do on myself and my heart, that I can't talk about it.</p><p>I have love and trust and joy that everything will be glorious and happy and fine, but I also worry that I won't make it there, that something will just... stop. </p><p>Stop me.</p><p>Stop me from finishing my evolution BACK to myself.</p><p>How do I let go of the past and do what I want to do and be who I want to be? </p><p>THE REAL ME.</p><p>Dancing was my end all be all.</p><p>Singing too.</p><p>Throw acting in there, and I would happily die doing all three.</p><p>Now I do nothing, because I am in my own way, because comparison is the CONFIDENCE KILLER.</p><p>Because I wrote myself off long ago; somehow those voices I had worked SO HARD to shut up, those critics, and judgy people... somewhere, they got IN. </p><p>Because I think I am too old, too heavy, too much, too SCARED. </p><p>I can still do it: I am not dead.</p><p>I just have to believe.</p><p>I have to remember what it feels like to be myself unabashedly, without worrying over consequences, or failure.</p><p>Failure used to be an opportunity to learn for me; not an excuse to NOT TRY.</p><p>I have always been myself; I am just going to try and share more of the realness I hold; the creativity, and the BOLD abandon for joy -- to SPREAD the joy, instead of supporting others doing the spreading.</p><p>Welcome back heart; I hear you.</p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span></p></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;"> </span></p></blockquote>Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-4475065379950960942019-02-25T17:43:00.000-08:002019-02-25T17:44:35.517-08:00Monday Evening...<div style="text-align: center;">
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Oh, the sun, she shines.</div>
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Yet the moon is my true love.</div>
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Blinds my heart, she does.</div>
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Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-85695130978507592922019-02-04T18:43:00.001-08:002019-02-04T19:06:11.118-08:00It's Always the Little Moments...<div class="Kvw2ac" style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34); color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin: 0px 16px;">
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<span jsname="YS01Ge"><i>Lily James singing ABBA's "Andante, Andante," flows softly from the hi-fi speakers:</i></span></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge">"Take it easy with me, please. </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Touch me gently, like a summer evening breeze, </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Take your time, make it slow. </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Andante, Andante, </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Just let the feeling grow....</span></i></div>
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge">Make your fingers, soft and light. </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Let your body, be the velvet of the night. </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Touch my soul, you know how. </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Andante, Andante, </span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Go slowly with me now..."</span></i></div>
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His feet are propped up on the rolled arm of the sofa, crossed at the ankles; his long body drapes languidly across the cushions. </div>
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His head is tilted down to read the book palmed in one hand, while the other tugs at his beard in a gesture of deep thought, twirling and lightly fraying the ends. </div>
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A cup of tea with swirls and halos of steam sits untouched on the table by his shoulder.</div>
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Dark curls frame his forehead.</div>
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Black glasses slip down his nose, encircling hazel eyes, reflecting green and gold because of the vine color of the couch and the brown wool sweater he's wearing.</div>
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He smiles to himself, lost in thought. </div>
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The fire blazing in the tiled fireplace crackles and pops; familiar and comforting sounds to my ears.</div>
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I stare at him a moment more, before grinning myself, and attempting to resume focus on the novel in my lap. </div>
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I am so happy that we found each other, and I tell him so frequently. </div>
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He reminds me daily that he feels as lucky as I do.</div>
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We have been through so many things over the past 9 years together.</div>
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I know we have many more to embark on, but in this moment, as our anniversary approaches, I am more than content to soak up this particular scene.</div>
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To sip my tea, and drink in the atmosphere of a comfortable silence, in a cozy room.</div>
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The world continues turning outside, but right now, I feel peace.</div>
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I hear quiet.</div>
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I feel love.</div>
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Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-53056563543314778682019-01-13T08:29:00.002-08:002019-01-13T08:29:47.025-08:00The linoleum floor was warm on my bare feet after I padded across the sunlit parkay hallway, running the fingers of my left hand over the contents of the floating bookshelf along the side of the hall, up the three smoothly worn wooden steps, and into the kitchen.<br />
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Sunlight streamed in everywhere; through the curtains on the side door, the wooden shuttered windows over the metal sink and around the line of windows framing one side of the kitchen's dining area at the end of the room.<br />
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The warm, medium brown veneer of the cabinets was glowing in that sunlight -- they always seemed to me to be the exact praline color of pecan shells. The light bounced off the glass and metal surfaces and gave everything a sparkling white halo.<br />
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The full, rich smell of Folger's coffee was wafting up from the coffeemaker, sputtering and purring as it brewed; I could see wisps of steam escaping its vent - swirling again, in the golden flood that was pouring in through the windows.<br />
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"Good morning, sleepy head," Grandma B said as she stood by the stove, grinning at me.<br />
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She held a small frying pan in her hands, and set it gently on the electric coils of the stove. I could smell the slightly burnt aroma of the hot metal filaments heating up as she turned on the burner, hear the ping of the molecules as they began to move rapidly in the heating element.<br />
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Her pink house-slippers shuffled across the floor as she reached for the breakfast things, humming "Blue Skies," in a clear soprano as she went; slicing a pat of butter from the dish on the counter, tapping it gently into the pan, where it began to melt, slowly -- mixing with the coffee and enriching the smell.<br />
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"Grab the eggs from the icebox please Honey," she said, keeping her eyes on the light yellow pool of butter, slowly spreading in the pan.<br />
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I pulled on the thin handle of the fridge, and it popped open, air seeming to whoosh in as I broke the seal of the liner, the cool, stale breeze caressing my cheeks. I lifted the carton of eggs from the top shelf, and brought them over to her.<br />
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She put an arm around me, and I could smell her gently floral, powdery-sweet scent as she gave me a squeeze. Her blue eyes were sparkling-- the same as my dad's, as I looked up into her face. Her skin was so soft, so light honey tan, and almost papery with its wrinkles. Her blonde white hair still looped, coiled and sprayed in place from her beauty-shop appointment yesterday afternoon; the Aquanet mixing with her perfume.<br />
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She spun around, still humming and stepped across to the L-shaped frame of the opposite kitchen counter, pulling down a small white bowl from the victorian beveled glass and wood cabinet doors, as well as two small juice glasses. Cracking three eggs into the bowl, she poured them into the pan with a gentle hiss - then stepping across to the sink, she ran her hand under the faucet, spun around, and sprinkling water droplets on top of the eggs from her crimson tipped nails, she placed a glass lid on top of them to cook.<br />
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She flipped up the lid on the bread container that sat on the counter, and put two pieces of wheat bread in the toaster. The yeasty aroma rising up to mingle with the others filling the space.<br />
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I went back to the icebox and took out the orange juice in its glass pitcher. Carrying it, heavy, with both hands to the oval kitchen table, I set it down, and retrieved the juice glasses, filling them, doing my best not to spill, and having to grab a paper towel to wipe up the overflow anyway.<br />
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Grandma B brought two plates over to the table, one egg for me, and two for her, salted and peppered -- each with a piece of toast slathered in butter and a generous amount of orange marmalade. She grabbed her coffee cup, and we sat down together.<br />
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We smiled at each other as we munched our breakfast, and I remember the blue and white wallpaper, the tiles, the silky smooth top of the hard table pad under my hands, the way the wooden top of the chair curved around my back, my legs too short to reach the floor as I sat and swung them.<br />
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Soon grandpa C would wander in, humming "The Bread Song," as Grandma called it, singing "Do-de-do-do," to the tune of "Shepherd Show Me How to Go," and want his breakfast. He and Grandma B would immediately bicker about the garden, or something he needed to find and fix in the garage, or the yard.<br />
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I could see the roses and honeysuckle growing just outside the line of windows across from where we sat, and I knew that Grandma would ask me if I wanted Ovaltine before we finished getting dressed for the day.<br />
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We had to run to the grocery store to get cookies; N, J and L would be arriving today, along with A.J. and we had to have everyone's favourite stocked in the big, deep cookie drawer: iced oatmeal cookies for N, would, I knew, be at the top of the list. We were also down to our last red delicious apple in the fridge, and Grandpa would need more.<br />
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The birds were singing loudly, and Grandma B. smiled to herself as she sipped her coffee, her eyelids low, listening; she loved songbirds so much.<br />
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It was going to be a lovely day.<br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-34843844654982550232019-01-08T21:08:00.001-08:002019-01-08T21:09:12.708-08:00I think we need a dog....Riding back from the dentist this A.M.:<br />
<br />
Me: C got a dog.<br />
J: No.<br />
Me: I didn't ask you anything...<br />
J: It's a RULE. One of the cats has to die first.<br />
Me: Why?<br />
J: It's MY RULE.<br />
Me: Why though? It seems arbitrary.<br />
J: There will be a snuggle attention deficit. The cats barely get enough attention now.<br />
Me: Starting this summer both boys will be in school, and I've been making an effort to snuggle S more. He misses O. P doesn't cuddle.<br />
J: Two animals ONLY.<br />
Me: You said we could get two older companion dogs.<br />
J: I've revised my opinion.<br />
Me: I contest the revision.<br />
J: We'll discuss this upon the death of a cat, or when B turns five. Whichever happens first.<br />
Me: Sigh...Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-90874406853036846772019-01-06T00:41:00.001-08:002019-01-06T00:43:59.186-08:00Sharing is CARING.Some nights I'm scared to go to SLEEP.<br />
I haven't had night terrors in years it seems, and yet I'm occasionally AFRAID they'll return.<br />
<br />
I don't SEEM to see what others see, when I look at myself.<br />
My inner voice clouds my vision, highlighting FLAWS and self-doubt spots, that I wish I didn't immediately FOCUS on.<br />
<br />
I remember feeling OUT of place.<br />
An OUTCAST.<br />
Wanting to belong, and completely HELPLESS to join in; knowing that I was different. The other kids KNEW that too.<br />
NAME calling.<br />
Being OSTRACIZED and segregated by the other children.<br />
Then being rescued by a gorgeous red-headed BLACK woman who immediately sang to the same song as my SOUL.<br />
I belonged with HER.<br />
I was a part of her and she was a part of me; we're still BONDED, no matter how far apart the years, the distance... none of it remains relevant, except that she's mine, my FAMILY too.<br />
A second MAMA to me.<br />
Then I made a FRIEND, and had a second person to hold my hand.<br />
<br />
It's quite human of me to FALL short of my expectations.<br />
I'm well AWARE that I can be my own worst enemy at times.<br />
HARSH words from the inner voice in my head.<br />
UN-worthy.<br />
UN-loveable.<br />
A WASTE.<br />
An utter FAILURE; potential unmet.<br />
I'm not good enough, and what I do doesn't MATTER.<br />
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I DON'T share this with many people.<br />
I KEEP a smile on my face.<br />
I make self-deprecating JOKES and distract with humour.<br />
I entertain and make OTHERS feel at ease, because I'm not, but why should they suffer me?<br />
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Perfect imperfection SHOULD be entirely obtainable; adorable even.<br />
Nobody's perfect, and therein lies the beauty-- the DIFFERENCES, the flaws are what make things interesting and MORE glorious than anyone could've imagined.<br />
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Why can't I then, accept myself ALL the time?<br />
Why must the sword feel DOUBLE-EDGED?<br />
I have damn GOOD days.<br />
I have SECRETLY awful ones.<br />
<br />
TODAY, I shared my self-loathing slope.<br />
I owned my INNER bitch.<br />
I CRIED.<br />
I admitted out LOUD to others that I was struggling.<br />
<br />
It helped, but I am even now PLAGUED by the thought that I bothered the people I spoke with.<br />
I WORRY that I irritated them with my annoying lack of confidence.<br />
How PATHETIC I was, and still am.<br />
<br />
I used to have a reoccurring dream that I would dive in front of a madman, a SHOOTER, to save a mix of my friends, family and INNOCENT bystanders.<br />
A MENTOR of mine once asked me, upon hearing this,<br />
<br />
"WHY is your life worth less than the others?"<br />
<br />
I CRIED.<br />
I didn't know how to ANSWER him.<br />
<br />
The truth is, I've been told my whole life that I'm TOO much.<br />
Too PASSIONATE.<br />
Too BIG.<br />
Too SMALL.<br />
Too DIFFERENT.<br />
Too FLEXIBLE.<br />
Too EMOTIONAL.<br />
I feel things too DEEPLY.<br />
I CARE too much.<br />
I'm too SENSITIVE.<br />
Too CURVY.<br />
Too FAT.<br />
Too RESPONSIBLE.<br />
<br />
So WHAT if I am too much for some folks?<br />
I am JUST ENOUGH for others.<br />
I can TURN my inner negative bitch voice to MY side, because she's ME, after all.<br />
<br />
I am STRUGGLING today, but know this:<br />
I'm a lover AND a fighter, and I don't want sympathy.<br />
I ask for COMPASSION.<br />
<br />
I didn't write this as a pity PARTY.<br />
In fact, I HATE that phrase, because it's demoralizing and invalidates the individual's feelings.<br />
Examining oneself and being HONEST about it, isn't wallowing.<br />
It's PROCESSING goddamn it.<br />
Don't ever judge others and put them DOWN for admitting they have EMOTIONS or sad feelings-- you don't have an iota or inkling of what they've been, or are going through.<br />
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Never ASSUME or presume.</div>
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Just LISTEN.</div>
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SEE the person.</div>
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Let them be HEARD.</div>
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Someday, you may need REASSURANCE that you're not awful at life too.</div>
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Deep down I have a spark, and even on my DARK days;</div>
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Even when it's TINY and barely glowing,</div>
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It's BURNING.</div>
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It cannot be EXTINGUISHED.</div>
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It's part of the UNIVERSE, and it's inside my soul.</div>
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I know I'm TOUGH; I was born 2.5 months early and I'm still alive and kicking.</div>
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I know how to keep my chin UP and keep going, to grit my teeth and push on.</div>
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Sometimes a HUG is what a person needs to get their strength and resolve back.</div>
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Not every PEP-TALK should start with 'suck it up.'</div>
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I WILL get through this, and I know that.</div>
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Please REMEMBER that asking for help and support is not a sign of weakness, but rather strength.</div>
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OWNING your shit is hard and it's okay to talk about it out loud.</div>
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Everyone has HARD times, no matter what they look like.</div>
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I send you LOVE.</div>
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I hear you, I see you, and I hold you in my HEART if you need me to.</div>
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<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-49910915574625540922018-12-15T17:35:00.002-08:002018-12-15T17:36:13.412-08:00Be brief.<div style="text-align: center;">
The Fireplace</div>
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Crackling, red warmth.</div>
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Seep into my bones, and stay.</div>
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Rejuvenate me.</div>
Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-91539109861115427992018-12-15T17:33:00.000-08:002018-12-15T17:34:09.116-08:00Ups and Downs...How do you know if you're living up to your potential?<br />
<br />
Well... would most folks who know you say that you're a good person? That you have compassion in your heart and kindness on your mind?<br />
<br />
Who cares if you're LATE accomplishing the goals you've set for yourself?<br />
<br />
Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself, is to remember that you need care too.<br />
<br />
We all need time to rest, relax and rejuvenate for the next thing on our plate, whether it's about to be Monday again and we're starting the grind all over for the millionth time, or whether we need a project brake to help our voice become fresh and new.<br />
<br />
NEW GOAL: MORE. SELF. CARE.<br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-79938435527743319902018-12-02T19:34:00.005-08:002018-12-02T19:35:15.270-08:00The Most Wonderful Time of the Year! HA!Going to see Santa, from your sweet baby's perspective...<br /><br /><br />Mom, where are we? There are a LOT of kids and lights and cotton ball stuff strewn around.<br /><br /><br />It smells funny in here, and it's hot. <br /><br /><br />Wait, we're entering a line... is it a line for ice cream? Cause' that would be great, I'm hungry, and ... wait...<br /><br /><br />Who's that weird looking person on the throne.<br /><br /><br />Why are those daddies handing their sweet babies to him, I don't ---<br /><br /><br />WAIT A MINUTE. IS THIS A CHILD SACRIFICE LINE?!<br /><br /><br />ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THIS OLD SWEATY DUDE IN VELVET IS THE GOD OF CANDY CANES OR <br /><br /><br />SOMETHING?! YOU KNOW WE CAN BUY THOSE! DON’T GIVE ME TO HIM! <br /><br /><br />I PROMISE NOT TO THROW MY CUP ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT THE ONE THAT’S THE WRONG <br /><br /><br />COLOUR, I— NOOOOOOOOO!!! <br /><br /><br />I DON’T WANT TO BE A SACRIFIIIIIIIIIICE! <br /><br /><br />TAKE ME BACK SAFELY IN YOUR ARMS, DON’T GIVE ME TO THE GUY WEARING A FUR TRIMMED <br /><br /><br />VELVET ONSIE!! PLEASE NO!! <br /><br /><br />AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! PICK ME UP! HE CAN’T BE SANTA! <br /><br /><br />SANTA SMELLS LIKE COOKIES AND JOY AND THAT NEW TOY SMELL THAT I DON'T GET TO INHALE FUMES<br /><br /><br />OF NEARLY AS OFTEN AS I SHOULD! THIS GUY SMELLS LIKE SWEAT AND TIDE! DON’T LEAVE ME WITH HIM! <br /><br /><br />WHAT ARE THOSE FLASHES! ARE YOU TAKING PICTURES??! WHY ARE YOU DOCUMENTING THIS?!<br /><br /><br /> IS THIS MY NEW LEGAL PASSPORT PHOTO?! <br /><br /><br />I DON’T WANT TO BE—- oh. <br /><br /><br />Oh, I get the candy cane? We’re leaving? Wait, are there presents? <br /><br /><br />Oh, we can go home. Thank goodness. My tiny heart is beating out of my chest, I was so scared. <br /><br /><br />I was too terrified to even pee on him so he’d let me go and I could run to you to save myself. <br /><br /><br />Can we have ice cream now?<br /><br /><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-42578095343415047662018-11-30T18:49:00.000-08:002018-11-30T18:50:26.127-08:00Flu Haiku!<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>Are YOU Dizzy?</u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Cannot find my ground,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steady on, steady on, BREATHE.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sleep, and rest, and heal.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-28901614613929454662018-11-22T07:45:00.002-08:002018-12-02T19:51:24.082-08:00Mirror, Mirror...I look into the mirror and I see a single facet of myself.<br />
<br />
I don't look like I did in my teens, or my twenties.<br />
<br />
My shape is the same, but my features, my carriage, my outward aura, is different.<br />
<br />
As we get older, as we continue to grow, not in height, but in experience, we are stretched and dented.<br />
<br />
We are molded and compressed, and it shows on our bodies.<br />
<br />
Things in reflection always seem different.<br />
<br />
Such is the image of the person in the mirror.<br />
<br />
She waves in three dimensions, she can smile back at me, or frown, or grimace or stand silently while tears roll down her cheeks.<br />
<br />
I can see the appearance of her skin; pale, circles under her dark, dark eyes.<br />
<br />
Wisps of hair curling about her ears and throat, the rest thickly held up with a tie.<br />
<br />
I can see the memories floating across her face as she thinks to herself,<br />
<br />
"Laughter. Tears. Pain. Pleasure. Euphoria. Terror. Pure Joy. All there. All leaving their marks on my soul."<br />
<br />
I am still working on self-acceptance and love. I'll never be done working on it, and that's good, because what are we when we've nothing to work on?<br />
<br />
Stagnation is the death of something...<br />
<br />
My body is not what it was; it is MORE.<br />
<br />
I don't always believe this with my whole being.<br />
<br />
In fact, I'd struggle to say that my belief that 'I am more than I was,' is something entirely true; rather, it is of a dual nature: part truth, and part lie.<br />
<br />
I am the same being, but I am also, drastically different than I was.<br />
<br />
Right now I am working to get back towards my center.<br />
<br />
To feel that my body is a home base that I can trust.<br />
<br />
I stretch my limbs. I warm up. I dance in a different way now, though there are elements of the old, familiar and comfortable.<br />
<br />
Some days I get hung up on numbers.<br />
Weight.<br />
Age.<br />
Years.<br />
<br />
The passing of time itself.<br />
<br />
I wonder if I'll ever get back to my heart's home base.<br />
<br />
I will, though.<br />
<br />
Everything is temporary, and even though I am older, I still have most of my flexibility, and if I take care of myself and stay strong too, then I won't get hurt.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I can reach the point where the numbers don't matter.<br />
<br />
I hope so.<br />
<br />
I am okay to be their captive temporarily, because I have my grounding influences, reassurances and check-points to keep me safe from obsession.<br />
<br />
Safe from danger.<br />
<br />
I do have introspective awareness enough to ask for help if I need it.<br />
<br />
Today though, I focus on remembering the feeling of my feet on the floor; a firm delicious contact.<br />
<br />
My body cascading through space and time.<br />
<br />
My heart beating, my soul soaring.<br />
<br />
I will be okay.<br />
<br />
I will be better than I was, yet again.<br />
<br />
That is the nature of time and wounds and healing; stronger than before, unless you break.<br />
<br />
I've been broken, and I recovered.<br />
<br />
My scars are stronger tissue than the un-marred parts.<br />
<br />
So.<br />
<br />
I will heed Maya Angelou, and continue to remind myself, that no matter the numbers, the difficulty, the pain or the joy,<br />
<br />
<i>"Still I rise."</i><br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-28032109945190538972018-07-22T22:34:00.003-07:002018-07-22T22:35:21.553-07:00Quick! Wave Goodbye, Here Goes July! "AAAAAAH! Whoooooooooooo..... okay, I can breathe through this.... this is fine... the pain will stop in just a moment..." Oh my heart -- the thudding pulsed in my ears.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tears sprung unbidden to my eyes with the effort of biting my lip so I wouldn't moan in public.<br /><div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Oh no. Do you want some ice?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Sure, actually. Yes. Thank you so much!" I gasped out. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"I'm going to get you some ibuprofen."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Oh gosh, that's really kind of you, thanks," I replied. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
N and L were so sweet to rush over to help me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Only I would completely bump my foot with a broken toe on the corner of the counter as my 2 year old rushed by, in an effort to avoid him stepping on said foot. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My hands were shaking as I hobbled over to the table with my plate of food. Sinking into the chair, I took a deep, cleansing breath. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Darlin', how're you doing?" J asked, with a serious look on his face.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"I'm fine. I'll be fine, look, I'm eating," I mumbled back at him. He'd noticed my hands, trembling.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Your blood sugar is low because of the pain and adrenaline, isn't it?" he murmured, his whiskey colored eyes peering down into my face.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Yes," I conceded. Shoving a bite of vegetable sushi into my mouth, I began to try to focus on the salty, crunchy and creamy mix, instead of the throbbing tingle in my foot.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
" 'CADO. Want more 'cado, peas!" My youngest implored me, his big brown eyes melting into mine, as his chubby little hands tried to slide my plate out from under my fingers.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Okay Boo, hang on, I'll give you the whole top of this roll -- see? All avocado."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
" 'Tanks Mama," he beamed at me. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"You're welcome," I said grinning back at him.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Hey Mom, I'd like some chips please," S said politely, glancing longingly at the counter where the chips and salsa had been set out.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"I'll get it," said J.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Thanks Dad."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"You're welcome."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"What do you think guys," I asked, "is this a tasty lunch?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"YES!" was the unanimous reply. The boys were flushed and happy, though moments ago they had been shivering with delight, or perhaps from being too cold in the pool as the breeze picked up, and the rain began to roll in.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I fielded several well-intentioned questions about why I wasn't wearing an immobilizing boot; why I hadn't brought crutches with me, my answers all boiling down to the basic reason that I'm stubborn and I thought my foot would cramp in a boot, and that my gait was close to normal as long as I was careful with the way I put weight on my foot, and a boot would change that. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As for the crutches, they bruised my hands and my ribs, and as far as I was concerned they were simply replacing one uncomfortable inconvenience for another. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We finished our lunch and went upstairs to warm up, dry off, and pet L, N and J's dog Rey. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We read books and the kids played. We ate dairy free ice-cream, and I forgot about my foot for a while, as I was watching the little ones interact.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
These summer days go by so fast; August is just around the corner, and before we realize it, it will be fall again -- my favourite time of year, but this year, very bittersweet. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My youngest will be starting school with his big brother, and for the first time in what feels longer than five brief years, I'm going to have days where I don't have my little shadows in small and smaller. In fact, they're more medium and small, going on big and bigger. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Oh, my heart.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-82004147359476637992018-06-11T10:02:00.000-07:002018-06-11T10:02:32.489-07:00June is bustin' out all oooooooover....No matter what your inner voice screams, you are amazing.<br />
<br />
Sometimes resiliency is a, 'fake it until you make it,' scheme, and sometimes you have to admit that you need help, because faking it simply isn't working.<br />
<br />
Remember, despite your perhaps thinking you've already dealt with, processed, gotten past or through something, the universe has a way of bringing that old crap up again to remind you of a few things:<br />
<br />
Firstly, that you shouldn't forget the lesson you learned through the hardship.<br />
<br />
Secondly, there may be something you're missing that you need to deal with.<br />
<br />
Thirdly, maybe things feel too familiar for a reason, and that's something to be aware of and keep in mind.<br />
<br />
I've been struggling with a few things lately, that I truly thought I would never have to deal with again. In addition to that difficulty, I have quite recently had a new negative pattern pop up its nasty little head.<br />
<br />
I did something that I don't often do: I asked for help and support. I admitted that I was not okay, that I could not handle my situation without help, and that I needed more support than I was currently receiving.<br />
<br />
Sometimes keeping things to yourself is not the way to go.<br />
<br />
Having said the above, if you're struggling with anxiety, depression, or other difficulties, asking for help can feel like an impossible task.<br />
<br />
I am very lucky to have people in my life who love me enough to comprehend that when I'm emotionally or physically struggling or exhausted, that I need the reassurance that the person checking in, or asking how I am, really and truly wants to know my answer.<br />
<br />
My partner understands this, and will press me to divulge all information and encourage me in a supporting and sustaining manner. If I am unable to deal with something, he helps me take the first steps.<br />
<br />
Not everyone has someone in their life who is able to do that.<br />
<br />
If you see someone struggling, or having a difficult moment, ASK THEM if they need assistance -- be it a close friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.<br />
<br />
The number of times I have checked in with someone crying, or downcast --- and I'm talking about strangers on the street or outside my normal circle of friends and acquaintances, is TOO MANY to count.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, all a person needs is a hearty meal to feel okay again, sometimes it's a hotline referral, or a simple handshake.<br />
<br />
Sometimes it's a greeting, a smile, a cookie and an, "I see you and acknowledge your pain and your existence."<br />
<br />
I try to carry snacks in my car, not just for myself (HANGRY is not a laughing matter, and low blood sugar or hypoglycemia can be scary) but for the homeless too, or anyone really, who could use a small act of kindness to remember that they're not alone, if only for a moment.<br />
<br />
I'm rambling today, but my point is: ASK for help if you can, and try and have compassion enough to realize that sometimes it's not possible. Sometimes you have to remember when you yourself ARE OKAY, that someone else isn't, and they need you to instigate.<br />
<br />
For anyone struggling with a longer, deeper, or more inescapable issue, please know that I send you love and support. Life isn't easy, and whatever you're dealing with, I wish I could take your pain and suffering away.<br />
<br />
For now, I want you all to know that I am doing very well. My issue was quickly resolved before it became a permanent or much more scary fixture in my life, because I had the self-awareness to ask for the help I realized I needed, immediately. While I am still staying aware of my self-care patterns, and checking in with my center every day, I remain vigilant in my compassion and message of love and light.<br />
<br />
Please, take care of yourselves, and if you can't, I hope someone sees you and is able to reach out.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-29697774233967909262018-04-29T16:14:00.001-07:002018-04-29T16:14:53.227-07:00Holy Moly May is here...Some days the rain doesn't come.<br />
I want it to. Badly.<br />
<br />
Some days my heart feels broken, even though I know it should be whole.<br />
Bittersweet, to me.<br />
<br />
Some days I have one drink and I think to myself,<br />
There are people who walk around this fuzzy all the time.<br />
<br />
Some days I think I know who I am.<br />
Then I surprise myself, YET again.<br />
<br />
Some days I long for a different feel to my life.<br />
Then I remember all I have to be happy, and thankful for.<br />
<br />
Some days I apologize too much for anything, and everything.<br />
Oh wait, that's every day.<br />
<br />
Some days I question my motives and my whole approach to relationships.<br />
I never know how I'll answer.<br />
<br />
Some days I doubt my sincerity, and then I remember what I'm all about.<br />
Honesty with a dash of tact, even if it hurts.<br />
<br />
Some days I feel as though I could do backflips down every long hallway I encounter.<br />
That's how my happy comes out sometimes.<br />
<br />
Some days I frantically write my thoughts down, because I don't want to lose them.<br />
Then I forget where I placed my notebook, and I have to start again.<br />
<br />
Some days, I feel elated and know that soon I'll be on the other side and ascending into sadness, just for a moment-- the price we pay for love, is often grief.<br />
Take today, for example.Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-12918953802386470922018-03-15T20:12:00.000-07:002018-03-15T20:12:38.109-07:00This Weather We're Havin', Eh? <a href="https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-words-like-petrichor-meaning-the-aroma-of-wet-soil-which-you-were-amazed-to-know" target="_blank">Petrichor</a>: The smell of the earth after it rains.<br />
<br />
Cool, fresh, earthy night air caresses my body and the resulting gust leaves goosebumps.<br />
<br />
The clouds dance across the moon in waves, as though an ocean of grey and silver gleams and churns above me.<br />
<br />
The rain is cold, clean, and sharp; soft and firm, all at the same time.<br />
<br />
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
I remember being seven or eight...<br />
<br />
The night of the first snow, had to be just after October. Possibly, it was exactly a week from Halloween, on my birthday. We'd been watching "Flower Drum Song," and it began to fall.<br />
<br />
The framed glass doors leading out to the back porch glistened and glowed with silent, fluffy flakes.<br />
<br />
I remember wearing only an over-sized t-shirt and having my mom slip her deliciously puffy and soft black coat around me; it was knee length on her, but I swam in its slippery, silky embrace.<br />
<br />
Stepping out from the dark shadows of our house, I took a deep breath, crossing from glossy hardwood onto grey cedar. The wood of our back deck was densely smooth, but rough around the edges.<br />
<br />
Oklahoma weather had stained it with sun, rain and thunderstorms.<br />
<br />
I looked directly up into the pitch black night sky.<br />
<br />
I couldn't see stars, but the flakes were coming fast and straight at my face as I kept it tilted all the way back.<br />
<br />
I began to spin.<br />
<br />
Arms out!<br />
<br />
We still had the purple and green porch-lights up, and the effect on the falling snow was one of dizzyingly blending pastel colors.<br />
<br />
Music was playing in my head. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpSpRW8c-E0" target="_blank">"Love Look Away,"</a> -- an amazing piece from the aforesaid Rogers and Hammerstein musical we'd been watching.<br />
<br />
My feet were cold, but it didn't matter. Snowflakes melted on my cheeks, and I remember feeling transported with the smell of the the brisk air, and the gentle flurries around me.<br />
<br />
The warmth of my body in the coat was in such contrast to my exposed skin. I remember my heartbeat thudding as the orchestra played in my head, while I was mesmerized; staring up into infinity.<br />
<br />
I kept spinning with my head back, under the fast, falling snow.<br />
<br />
I kept dancing to the music, with my heart keeping time until I thought I might fall over from the sheer joy of being alive in that moment.<br />
<br />
I am sometimes homesick for that feeling...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-25506441297668058362018-02-26T19:34:00.004-08:002018-02-26T19:34:41.362-08:00Too MuchIs there such a thing as too much?<br />
<br />
Too many mistakes.<br />
Too many people.<br />
Too many calories.<br />
Too many cars.<br />
Too many times.<br />
Too much force.<br />
Too terrible to think about.<br />
<br />
What about too little?<br />
<br />
Too few friends.<br />
Too few opportunities.<br />
Too few dollars.<br />
Too few volunteers.<br />
Too little empathy.<br />
Too little to understand.<br />
Too little trust.<br />
<br />
Having just enough:<br />
<br />
In the middle is perfection...<br />
Or is it mediocrity?<br />
Just enough means life at its best, but what if you miss the mark?<br />
How do you know you've reached the pinnacle of the successful stratagem?<br />
What does the mean, <i>mean?</i><br />
Is it possible to balance the see-saw indefinitely?<br />
Or will you be stuck motionless at the "just right," place...<br />
<br />
Too much, too little and too late:<br />
<br />
Life goes up and down.<br />
There is no perfect center, except the center of your being, the space inside your soul.<br />
Back and forth and good and bad, want and need and all one has... everything.<br />
Everything moves in cycles, and if you stay stuck in the middle, you die.<br />
Time won't stand still.<br />
Living means movement, which means flux.<br />
Even the breath in your lungs expands and contracts; perfection isn't met.<br />
<br />
Or found.<br />
Or kept.<br />
Or traded.<br />
<br />
The stillness of motion is in the moment itself.<br />
<br />
Keep moving, keep fighting, keep testing the rise and fall.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-30281116086216524852018-02-20T19:57:00.004-08:002018-02-20T19:57:48.426-08:00Forgive Yourself and DO IT NOW.Don't hold a grudge like a weapon, especially against your own self's past transgressions.<br />
Do take the time to remember the good things, and not everything the critics dismember.<br />
<br />
-------------------------<br />
<br />
Sometimes the old stuff resurfaces in the most unpleasant ways.<br />
Things you think you've processed, that you feel finished with, once again arise.<br />
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the asshole in the room, and then sending them on their way.<br />
<br />
It's never too late to start something you always wanted to try, or do, or experience, and it's also never too late to pick back up, that which you laid down years ago.<br />
You don't have to remain trapped in what you thought was yourself; growth and change are going to happen, whether you like it or not.<br />
<br />
-------------------------<br />
<br />
Breathe in and out.<br />
Take a look around.<br />
Can you see me now?<br />
I'm the lost and found.<br />
<br />
Touch my skin, it's soft.<br />
Hold my heart aloft.<br />
Lead me to the trough.<br />
Drink the drink I brought.<br />
<br />
In each soul there lives;<br />
Dark and light to give.<br />
Only when, what-if?<br />
Stop and see the trip.<br />
<br />
You can make your way.<br />
You can seize the day.<br />
Mix the paint, it's gray.<br />
You don't have to stay.<br />
<br />
Every word has strength.<br />
Take its breadth and length.<br />
Notice what you think.<br />
If your blood were ink?<br />
<br />
Happenstance is clear.<br />
Hindsight, fondly dear.<br />
Your love brought you here.<br />
Don't lose, fight the fear.<br />
<br />
As the river flows,<br />
Ask the wind, she blows.<br />
Only "heaven," knows.<br />
Time's out, nothing owes.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-35613882678920966952018-02-08T15:08:00.002-08:002018-02-08T15:10:44.445-08:00"If I'm late, it's because I'm dead," - Entrapment<div style="text-align: center;">
Don't Worry Mom, It's NOT a LIMERICK:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My parents are wonderful humans.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The each have their quirks and their peeves.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My dad must be three hours early.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My mom gets there after he leaves.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My dad rises early each morning.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My mom prefers sleeping in more.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My dad will be dressed, and ready to go.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He'll wait a long time by the door.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When I was a small little kiddo,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My Daddy was always on time.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My mom hesitates, people always wait,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She's got her own pace and timeline.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The stares and the looks made me shudder.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If mom was the one driving me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Be it practice or school, or a trip to the pool,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I would walk in ashamed, late you see.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
As soon as I got my own license.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I got a job working with horses.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We bought a used car, named it Willie,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Then early I was for my courses.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My mom simply cannot do "early."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Our friends have all learned to adjust.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If my family's invited to something,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Then "Warren Time-Change", is a must.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This means that a party at 1:00,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Will be stated to start at 12:30,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Dad and I will show up before set-up is done,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My mom <i>might</i> be on time, she'll look pretty.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Note: I love my parents dearly, but I did feel ashamed being late to things -- it was very embarrassing for me growing up, and once I got my own car, I was only late if my alarm didn't go off, and usually not even then, because I tend to wake up early. I'm not three hours early, like my Dad, but I'm not 20 minutes late either (Momma). My preference is about 10 to 15 minutes early. ;-) The Sweet Spot. If I arrive exactly on time for something, then I feel <i>late.</i></div>
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<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-41109650960469129022018-02-07T19:23:00.000-08:002018-02-08T07:24:28.404-08:00Once Upon A Time:Fairytales are more than scary.<br />
Sometimes I think they're based on truth.<br />
Right now I feel like I'm stuck in a novel co-written by Stephen King and Margaret Atwood...<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time is the start for secrets and lies, and fascinating truths that certain readers despise.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time, women were taught they needed rescuing; that speaking your mind was an offense punishable by death.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time I was confident and felt that I had nothing to lose, because if they don't like my work, there's always another audition, and eventually, even if they don't like me, they'll get so tired of seeing me return with a smile, that they'll take a risk and give me a job.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time I lost that confidence somewhere between sophomore and junior year at University, when I found out the guy I was head over heels for was cheating on me, and my heart broke for the second time in my life and I forgot how to believe in myself.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time I walked around like a zombie and didn't believe the compliments, only the mistakes and naysayers and I was too skinny, and too lost to perform with confidence.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time, my college voice teacher, an amazing woman named Adrienne, convinced me to sing opera and said,<br />
"Wait a minute, do you think you don't have a voice? YOU HAVE A VOICE," She saved my life and reminded me of what I'd forgotten; that deep down, I LOVE singing, dancing and acting and that I have a voice worth listening to.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time, I walked the line between self-doubt and the desire to prove myself to others, and the stubborn streak of 'why the hell do I care so much about their opinion if I love doing it, I won't stop,' and I STILL moved out of state and 'took a break,' even though half my heart didn't want to --- had to give love a chance.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time, I went to an audition for "Kiss Me Kate," in Denver, and they were surprised that I could sing well without a microphone taped to my face, and they called me back, but I had to decline because I couldn't swing attending classes all day, rehearsals all evening and then studying for anatomy finals and getting no sleep to perform well at anything.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time, I took up Ballet class again at Lemon Spongecake dance company and was loving it, until I mentioned it to a friend, who showed up unexpectedly to what had been my solo sanctuary. I dropped my mason jar of water at the studio entrance, and was so mortified and ashamed, that I never went back.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time, I graduated from massage school, and got my heart broken again, and then met my partner and got married, and had two kids, and am now getting back to singing more than Disney around the house, and preparing myself to audition and act and dance again with the same 'nothing to lose,' attitude that made me so successful before.<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time I found out I'm an INFJ and that it's actually weird that I remember details about people and places so clearly, even if I haven't seen them in years, and that NOT EVERYONE re-plays their worst days from their life so far on repeat in their head at night. Like when I was late to dance class by 3 minutes because my alarm didn't go off, and my professor made me sit next to her for the entire class time, while I balled my obedient eyes out watching famous dancer 'Jack' teach Fosse (one of my all time favorite choreographers). When he asked me to dance, she said "SIT THERE," and he kept encouraging me and I wanted to join him more than anything in the world. Like Obedient Ella from the book "Ella Enchanted," I couldn't disobey my professor. Were I to get up and join, would very likely mean she'd probably fail me, or throw me out. After all, I was being made an example of and it all felt the same way it did when I was in First Grade and tortured by my teacher for being "willfully insolent," instead of the fact that my not understanding her was a developmental thing, that most teachers acknowledge. As for the college professor, I still sometimes wonder why she was so wary of me --- I just wasn't good enough, I guess. I HATED being late before that incident and I still hate being late. Maybe next entry, I'll write about why being late feels traumatizing for me, in and of itself.<br />
<br />
<br />
Once Upon A Time, I am STILL working on forgiving my past self, and letting things go, and letting it be "okay," that I am not perfect, and never will be. I am who I am, and that's a soul working to do my best and be my best, which means never ending and continuous improvement.<br />
<br />
I HOPE someday I'll be able to say,<br />
"Once Upon A Time, I healed my old wounds and accepted that I am good enough and planning to get better. I profoundly love and accept myself."<br />
<br />
I am lucky. I know love and joy and have support in my life. Even though I have a dark side, and sometimes I get lost in it; most of the time I thoroughly enjoy my cheerful disposition. I still live every day with humor, the most that I can.<br />
<br />
Please remember to listen to people. For children especially, it is vital that they are heard-- they may not understand why they feel things so deeply, or why life can hurt so much, but if they know they're safe and loved, then they can access their resilience and continue to sink their roots deeply into the sacred earth, and stretch their green youth exuberance for growth to the sky!<br />
<br />
Just... please, no matter who you are, please don't give up on yourself. If you find that you're thinking crappy, negative thoughts, and you cannot remember your self-worth or that you truly CAN do anything you set your mind to, find a friend who will take the time to REMIND you of that FACT.<br />
<br />
As I used to say, (and still do) every single time I leave the theatre space (from age 11 through forever),<br />
<br />
"I LOVE YOU ALL!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-10845746398845136742018-02-06T21:44:00.000-08:002018-02-06T21:44:58.240-08:00Some nights...My feet sink into the lush, vibrantly deep green grass. It feels silky soft, smooth and cool to my skin; just slightly long enough to be considered overgrown, and my feet leave gentle imprints where my weight has bent the blades.<br />
<br />
<i>Don't forget to count the trees: 1, 2, 3...</i><br />
<br />
The mist has risen again tonight; gradient fog, clinging to the tall rows of trees I walk between-- swirling around my limbs as I step lightly down the center of the cedar grove.<br />
<br />
<i>4, 5, 6...</i><br />
<br />
Glancing up, I see the moon. Big, beaming and shadowy as wispy clouds float across it's glowing face, almost pulsing in the night sky.<br />
<br />
<i>7, 8, 9...</i><br />
<br />
He is ahead of me.<br />
<br />
<i>10, 11, 12...</i><br />
<br />
He dances in the hollow, between the night and the dawn, balanced on the edges of things.<br />
<br />
<i>13.</i><br />
<br />
The cedar trees tower over me on either side. I feel as though I am part walking, part swimming through a misty sea -- I can begin to see the outline of a person, standing ahead of me.<br />
<br />
Taking a deep breath, I rise up on the balls of my feet, my toes bending at a 90 degree angle in demi-pointe, my arms raising up as I close my eyes and tilt my head back, with my eyes closed. A smile plays about my lips as I hold in sous-sous, sending energy out my fingertips, and down my feet into the earth.<br />
<br />
He breaks into a loping run towards me. My breath catches because I can hear his feet thudding the earth, feel him propelling himself rapidly toward me. Air rushing past his strong body, I'm imagining his heart pounding slowly and steadily behind his ribs, but I keep my eyes closed.<br />
<br />
Strong, warm hands grip my waist, then slide to my ribcage, as he gently lifts me into the air.<br />
<br />
We dance.<br />
<br />
Our muscles work hard, but these lifts, turns, balances... this partnering, feels effortless. He smells like clean sweat, cedar, vanilla bark, and rain on flagstone.<br />
<br />
Hours pass. Then, our pas de deux finishes.<br />
<br />
He rests his hands delicately on either side of my face, his thumbs feather-lightly stroking my eyelids.<br />
<br />
"Please open your eyes." It is a polite request, not a voiced order, so I do. His voice is rich and medium toned.<br />
<br />
"I've never seen you before now. You're.... different than what I pictured in my head," I half whisper, nodding self-consciously.<br />
<br />
His eyes are golden pools of bourbon with flecks of mica, and they seem look through my outer surface, deeply into the center of my being. His gaze is gently probing, curious. His skin is the deepest, blackest coffee bean. The curves of his face are graceful and strong, like his dancing, and he looks.... familiar.<br />
<br />
"I know you. How?" He smiles, and puts a finger to his lips, as if to say, 'no more questions...' Glancing down at my feet, I feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Suddenly he's sunk to a crouch and is tracing the outline of my skin colour changes with his fingertips. It's a very light touch along those borders across the tops of my bare feet, and I shiver.<br />
<br />
"You are different. I like that. I like that you're not hiding your skin. I hope you're embracing this.... Vitiligo. This change."<br />
<br />
"I've had it since I was little -- honestly, I feel as though it should bother me, but it doesn't. It's just... how I look."<br />
<br />
"Amazing, and... symmetrical."<br />
<br />
"I suppose. Eventually, my whole body will be white as a ghost."<br />
<br />
"Does that upset you?"<br />
<br />
"Not really... I feel cool.... like a leopard who can change its spots. It doesn't change my heritage or who I am, it's just... part of how I look. Universal vitiligo, I mean. It doesn't change who my parents are, or my culture. I'll miss how my darkest freckles look against my walnut coloured skin, but I was born with strawberry blonde hair anyway. I'm used to looking unique."<br />
<br />
"I do find the patterns of it, the contrast between light and dark exotically fascinating."<br />
<br />
"Thank you."<br />
<br />
"How did you come to be here? Who sent your invitation."<br />
<br />
"I thought you... ?"<br />
<br />
"No. I am the partner. I lead the dance, someone else sends the second. How were you invited?"<br />
<br />
"I found a note under my pillow. There have been three. Three notes to come here. Instructions to keep my eyes closed once I pass the 13th cedar tree... to dance blindly until beckoned to see."<br />
<br />
"Ah. Curly handwriting? Sepia toned ink? Parchment fashioned from the bark of a Birch tree?"<br />
<br />
"Yes."<br />
<br />
"Interesting."<br />
<br />
"So, you know who sent me the invitations?" He paused, as if unwilling or uncertain that answering my question would be the right thing to say.<br />
<br />
"Mmmm. Why did you accept?"<br />
<br />
"I miss pas de deux. I miss... being part of a company."<br />
<br />
"I'd like to hear more about that experience and the feelings associated with it. Now, however, we must part ways."<br />
<br />
"Now that I've seen you -- I know it was you the other two times, the other two dances. I'd recognize you with my eyes closed, even though now I know what you look like."<br />
<br />
"Appearances can be deceiving, but bodies -- movements, following and leading, heartbeats and quality of touch -- those never lie."<br />
<br />
"Is there a way for me to write to you? To contact you?"<br />
<br />
"You'll receive a different sort of invitation. You must go now."<br />
<br />
"Good bye then."<br />
<br />
"Good evening." He did a triple fouetté then took a knee and placed my hand on his heart for a moment. Then, he was gone, running back up the line and disappearing into the mist.<br />
<br />
I turned on my heel, unsure of my feelings. Strange though my dreams may be, I'd never have previously believed that I could accept an invitation into someone else's, or an in-between place, or wherever we were.<br />
<br />
Closing my eyes, I began to walk backward the way I came -- counting my breaths to 13, until the swirling fog began to rise up my body -- colder and colder. I felt myself floating away again, falling backwards, and when I opened my eyes again, I was safely under my old, worn cotton comforter. Staring up at the old stick-on-glow-in-the-dark stars I had put up on my bedroom ceiling on my 11th birthday, I sighed.<br />
<br />
<i>Tomorrow I'll finish unpacking. I'll move into the master bedroom. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Saying goodbye to my parents had been heart-breaking and the most difficult thing I'd ever done, but I couldn't keep pretending that I was all right. Sleeping in my childhood bedroom, waiting, as if they were going to come home any minute.<br />
<br />
<i>I'm 23 years old. I can do this. The funeral was 3 months ago. It's over. That was the hardest part, right? I can make this house less empty if I finish unpacking and sorting. Mom would want me to 'get on with it,' as she'd say. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Glancing at the clock; 1:11 A.M.<br />
<br />
I grabbed <u>Pride and Prejudice</u>, from my nightstand -- Jane Austen would help me sleep. Help me forget that I was alone in my deceased parents' house, and engaging in strangely lucid dream fantasies.<br />
<br />
<i>Maybe I've been elaborately hallucinating.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
No, if I was crazy, then how come I'd saved the all too materially real notes -- stuck them into the pocket of my day-planner to remind myself that I had something to look forward to. For now, sleep. Sleep would get me to the new day tomorrow-- or the rest of today, rather.<br />
<br />
<i>I'll start with the stars. It's time for them to come down, and fresh paint to go up. 'Nothing less expensive works to transform a room than a gallon of paint,' Mom always said. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Y</i><i>es. Tomorrow, the stars come down. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The heavens fall. </i><br />
<i>The earth moves.</i><br />
<i>The sun rises.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
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<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-5573330325565657952018-01-31T22:47:00.003-08:002018-01-31T22:52:54.546-08:00Two Posts in ONE NIGHT??? "I'm going to go for a walk, I think..."<br />
<br />
"Okay. Love you."<br />
<br />
"Love you too."<br />
<br />
<i>Whooooooooshhhhhhh</i>.... goes the air through the vents, making the hair on my arms stand up.<br />
<br />
Looking over, I see the sleeping form of my oldest, his long legs curled to the side. The little one has kicked off his covers again-- too warm I suppose; though my fingers, usually hot, are cold as I type.<br />
<br />
Kids grow so quickly; such a cliché to state, but quite true, nonetheless.<br />
<br />
Curly heads facing the windows, unison breaths in and out -- they'd snuggle in their sleep and wake each other if we let them get close enough on our big bed.<br />
<br />
Tonight is the Full Super Blue Blood Moon. What an incredible thing to witness. I haven't seen its full glory in person yet, beyond pictures, and perhaps I've missed it. After I finish my entry, I'll look.<br />
<br />
I notice my chest feels tight, and I cough. Residual respiratory irritation. Yay. The flu season peaked for us over the Yuletide, and we're still recovering, all of us.<br />
<br />
J isn't back yet, but I know I'll hear footsteps soon.<br />
<br />
<i>SHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh... </i>I hear the shower kick on, the rain head echoing in our tiny bathroom.<br />
<br />
"Hey Darlin', you writing?"<br />
"Yep."<br />
"Have you seen my journal?"<br />
"All three of them are on top of the bookshelf, on the left."<br />
"Thanks."<br />
"Sure."<br />
<br />
The little one rubs his face back and forth on the comforter, softly crying out and coughing. Time for snuggles, and for me to read my book in the darkly orange glow of our bedroom lamp.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for this moon, and the energy it carries.<br />
<br />
I am safe tonight, and I will never take my partner for granted, because J is a big part of my feeling of safety and coziness.<br />
<br />
Maybe some day I'll scream about it from the rooftops; this marvelous feeling of comfortable, lasting, accepting of everything love.<br />
<br />
I am glad that we found each other, every single time our eyes meet.<br />
<br />
My person.<br />
<br />
I remember once in my teens, telling my voice teacher Naomi, when she asked me if I was in love with one of my best friends, and whether or not I was okay with seeing that person date someone else:<br />
<br />
<i>"Maybe I am, but if it's meant to be, it will happen. I think finding even a single person that I can connect with is what's important-- regardless of sex or gender, or orientation. Sure I love him, and maybe it's romantic love, but even if I never kiss him, I'll still love him. I'm open to being in love with women too. Love never goes away; it's like energy-- it simply changes forms. I'm okay with waiting for the right person for me. I'm not losing anything by not professing how I feel to him, while he's in a relationship -- that's not fair. If we both end up single, at the same time in the future, then perhaps." </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
We did, and I did, and we had a great weekend of making out, and then reality set in and we returned to our lives separated by three states.<br />
<br />
I'll always think of him fondly and love him as a friend. He was part of my finding myself when I was going through the second deep heartbreak of my life.<br />
<br />
Love changes us. Each time we love, we learn and grow and get better at healing our wounds.<br />
<br />
Love has many nuances, flavors, feelings...<br />
<br />
The heart wants what it wants, in the moment and beyond, each wave paves the way for the next.<br />
<br />
"You almost done?"<br />
"Yes. How was your walk? Did you see the moon?"<br />
"I did. It's big."<br />
"I'll have to go take a look."<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-21762974280769138792018-01-31T21:43:00.001-08:002018-01-31T22:07:31.545-08:00Think Before You Speak...<div style="text-align: center;">
Me, Myself & I:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wear more than Converse.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I speak more than English.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In my head space there are corners around which I am squeamish.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I write songs no one hears.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have novels un-read.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't quiet the thoughts I feel, drowning in dread.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I live in the space twixt the dark and the light.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I long to connect, but I fear that I might.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I try to let go, but I'm holding on tight...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Keep it safe.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I sing more than lyrics.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can memorize quickly.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
There's not just my way; people do each thing differently.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can draw with charcoal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can paint with my hands.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Every day I must move, my whole body must dance.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes a person discovers new things 'bout themselves.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They want to sink that chapter back into the shelves.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The difference is owning our wounds and our wells.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Trust your heart.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can act with my love.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can cry from my soul.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can access that part of me, which keeps me whole.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My joints bend too much.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I re-live old slights.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
You've probably forgotten; I re-play under lights.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In my mind I empower and torture my being.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
All the things I don't say; intuition is seeing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If I choke on emotion, you won't see me breathing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm here.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-52836196415936408782017-07-25T11:27:00.001-07:002017-07-25T11:27:12.336-07:00Grey Day, HOORAY! Here's a poem for RIGHT NOW: <div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Some days feel like fall.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Fall into the spirit of the moment.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Moments are what life is made from.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
From outside to inside I take a pause.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Pause life? Impossible.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Impossibilities are a lie.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Lies can drown a person.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
People don't often realize or listen well.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Well, at least you're here today.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Today is the time to read between the lines.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Line the inner drawers of your heart with cushions of strength.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Strength is shown in compassion and emotion.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Emotions are not a sin or a crime.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Crimes against oneself or others are all too common.</div>
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Common ground is the space between you and the enemy.</div>
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Enemies are created; they're fiction.</div>
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Fiction is not as strange as the truth.</div>
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Truth is subjective.</div>
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Subjectivity is every person's experience in life.</div>
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Life, in essence, is breath...</div>
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SO TAKE A DEEP ONE.</div>
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Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-57180009190023786572017-05-01T21:33:00.001-07:002017-05-01T21:36:56.621-07:00Take My Hand Cause' We're Walking Out Of Here... - D.M.B.A new hair cut.<br />
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I cut my own.<br />
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I snip the split ends, like I wish I could snip the problems of the world: Cleanly off.<br />
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I trim two inches.<br />
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Not enough.<br />
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Two more.<br />
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Wait a few days....<br />
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Another few inches hit the floor.<br />
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Feather, feather, feather.<br />
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Kelsey taught me this...<br />
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Just a little at a time.<br />
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Even isn't the issue.<br />
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Layers.<br />
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Like ogres and onions and my home-done haircut.<br />
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Long.<br />
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So long.<br />
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Grow it out, trim it up, cut it off.<br />
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Shorter?<br />
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Sometimes I wish it was.<br />
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Sometimes I wish for red fuzz a quarter inch off my scalp.<br />
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What message would that send the haters?<br />
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I am my own me.<br />
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The boss of my body.<br />
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Self-esteem tangled in hair.<br />
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Red hair. Redhead.<br />
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Should I dye it blonde?<br />
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Change.<br />
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I want the world to change, but fighting though I am, it's not. Not yet. Soon, I hope.<br />
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Appearance, image, esteem.<br />
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Challenge my own opinions of myself.<br />
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Will I be less me with a buzzed head or platinum locks?<br />
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Someday I'll have the guts.<br />
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Maybe sooner rather than later, I'll take more of a chance.<br />
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For now, I just dare to cut my own hair.<br />
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<br />Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8114783951847664977.post-8766789424023364452017-01-20T11:14:00.001-08:002017-01-20T11:15:01.471-08:00And So It Begins...<br />
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Do not go gentle into that good night</h1>
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<span class="node-title"><a href="https://www.poets.org/node/44729" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(211, 211, 211); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: black; text-decoration: none;" target="_top"><span itemprop="name">Dylan Thomas</span></a></span>, <span class="date-display-single">1914</span> - <span class="date-display-single">1953</span></h2>
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Do not go gentle into that good night,<br />Old age should burn and rave at close of day;<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light.<br /><br />Though wise men at their end know dark is right,<br />Because their words had forked no lightning they<br />Do not go gentle into that good night.<br /><br />Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright<br />Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light.<br /><br />Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,<br />And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,<br />Do not go gentle into that good night.<br /><br />Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight<br />Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light.<br /><br />And you, my father, there on the sad height,<br />Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.<br />Do not go gentle into that good night.<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light.</div>
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Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16992692210761130199noreply@blogger.com0