"I'm going to go for a walk, I think..."
"Okay. Love you."
"Love you too."
Whooooooooshhhhhhh.... goes the air through the vents, making the hair on my arms stand up.
Looking over, I see the sleeping form of my oldest, his long legs curled to the side. The little one has kicked off his covers again-- too warm I suppose; though my fingers, usually hot, are cold as I type.
Kids grow so quickly; such a cliché to state, but quite true, nonetheless.
Curly heads facing the windows, unison breaths in and out -- they'd snuggle in their sleep and wake each other if we let them get close enough on our big bed.
Tonight is the Full Super Blue Blood Moon. What an incredible thing to witness. I haven't seen its full glory in person yet, beyond pictures, and perhaps I've missed it. After I finish my entry, I'll look.
I notice my chest feels tight, and I cough. Residual respiratory irritation. Yay. The flu season peaked for us over the Yuletide, and we're still recovering, all of us.
J isn't back yet, but I know I'll hear footsteps soon.
SHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh... I hear the shower kick on, the rain head echoing in our tiny bathroom.
"Hey Darlin', you writing?"
"Yep."
"Have you seen my journal?"
"All three of them are on top of the bookshelf, on the left."
"Thanks."
"Sure."
The little one rubs his face back and forth on the comforter, softly crying out and coughing. Time for snuggles, and for me to read my book in the darkly orange glow of our bedroom lamp.
I am grateful for this moon, and the energy it carries.
I am safe tonight, and I will never take my partner for granted, because J is a big part of my feeling of safety and coziness.
Maybe some day I'll scream about it from the rooftops; this marvelous feeling of comfortable, lasting, accepting of everything love.
I am glad that we found each other, every single time our eyes meet.
My person.
I remember once in my teens, telling my voice teacher Naomi, when she asked me if I was in love with one of my best friends, and whether or not I was okay with seeing that person date someone else:
"Maybe I am, but if it's meant to be, it will happen. I think finding even a single person that I can connect with is what's important-- regardless of sex or gender, or orientation. Sure I love him, and maybe it's romantic love, but even if I never kiss him, I'll still love him. I'm open to being in love with women too. Love never goes away; it's like energy-- it simply changes forms. I'm okay with waiting for the right person for me. I'm not losing anything by not professing how I feel to him, while he's in a relationship -- that's not fair. If we both end up single, at the same time in the future, then perhaps."
We did, and I did, and we had a great weekend of making out, and then reality set in and we returned to our lives separated by three states.
I'll always think of him fondly and love him as a friend. He was part of my finding myself when I was going through the second deep heartbreak of my life.
Love changes us. Each time we love, we learn and grow and get better at healing our wounds.
Love has many nuances, flavors, feelings...
The heart wants what it wants, in the moment and beyond, each wave paves the way for the next.
"You almost done?"
"Yes. How was your walk? Did you see the moon?"
"I did. It's big."
"I'll have to go take a look."
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