Sunday, January 6, 2019

Sharing is CARING.

Some nights I'm scared to go to SLEEP.
I haven't had night terrors in years it seems, and yet I'm occasionally AFRAID they'll return.

I don't SEEM to see what others see, when I look at myself.
My inner voice clouds my vision, highlighting FLAWS and self-doubt spots, that I wish I didn't immediately FOCUS on.

I remember feeling OUT of place.
Wanting to belong, and completely HELPLESS to join in; knowing that I was different. The other kids KNEW that too.
NAME calling.
Being OSTRACIZED and segregated by the other children.
Then being rescued by a gorgeous red-headed BLACK woman who immediately sang to the same song as my SOUL.
I belonged with HER.
I was a part of her and she was a part of me; we're still BONDED, no matter how far apart the years, the distance... none of it remains relevant, except that she's mine, my FAMILY too.
A second MAMA to me.
Then I made a FRIEND, and had a second person to hold my hand.

It's quite human of me to FALL short of my expectations.
I'm well AWARE that I can be my own worst enemy at times.
HARSH words from the inner voice in my head.
An utter FAILURE; potential unmet.
I'm not good enough, and what I do doesn't MATTER.

I DON'T share this with many people.
I KEEP a smile on my face.
I make self-deprecating JOKES and distract with humour.
I entertain and make OTHERS feel at ease, because I'm not, but why should they suffer me?

Perfect imperfection SHOULD be entirely obtainable; adorable even.
Nobody's perfect, and therein lies the beauty-- the DIFFERENCES, the flaws are what make things interesting and MORE glorious than anyone could've imagined.

Why can't I then, accept myself ALL the time?
Why must the sword feel DOUBLE-EDGED?
I have damn GOOD days.
I have SECRETLY awful ones.

TODAY, I shared my self-loathing slope.
I owned my INNER bitch.
I admitted out LOUD to others that I was struggling.

It helped, but I am even now PLAGUED by the thought that I bothered the people I spoke with.
I WORRY that I irritated them with my annoying lack of confidence.
How PATHETIC I was, and still am.

I used to have a reoccurring dream that I would dive in front of a madman, a SHOOTER, to save a mix of my friends, family and INNOCENT bystanders.
A MENTOR of mine once asked me, upon hearing this,

       "WHY is your life worth less than the others?"

I didn't know how to ANSWER him.

The truth is, I've been told my whole life that I'm TOO much.
Too BIG.
I feel things too DEEPLY.
I CARE too much.
Too FAT.

So WHAT if I am too much for some folks?
I am JUST ENOUGH for others.
I can TURN my inner negative bitch voice to MY side, because she's ME, after all.

I am STRUGGLING today, but know this:
I'm a lover AND a fighter, and I don't want sympathy.

I didn't write this as a pity PARTY.
In fact, I HATE that phrase, because it's demoralizing and invalidates the individual's feelings.
Examining oneself and being HONEST about it, isn't wallowing.
It's PROCESSING goddamn it.
Don't ever judge others and put them DOWN for admitting they have EMOTIONS or sad feelings-- you don't have an iota or inkling of what they've been, or are going through.

Never ASSUME or presume.
SEE the person.
Let them be HEARD.
Someday, you may need REASSURANCE that you're not awful at life too.

Deep down I have a spark, and even on my DARK days;
Even when it's TINY and barely glowing,
It cannot be EXTINGUISHED.
It's part of the UNIVERSE, and it's inside my soul.

I know I'm TOUGH; I was born 2.5 months early and I'm still alive and kicking.
I know how to keep my chin UP and keep going, to grit my teeth and push on.
Sometimes a HUG is what a person needs to get their strength and resolve back.
Not every PEP-TALK should start with 'suck it up.'

I WILL get through this, and I know that.
Please REMEMBER that asking for help and support is not a sign of weakness, but rather strength.
OWNING your shit is hard and it's okay to talk about it out loud.

Everyone has HARD times, no matter what they look like.
I send you LOVE.
I hear you, I see you, and I hold you in my HEART if you need me to.

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