Saturday, December 15, 2018

Be brief.

The Fireplace

Crackling, red warmth.

Seep into my bones, and stay.

Rejuvenate me.

Ups and Downs...

How do you know if you're living up to your potential?

Well... would most folks who know you say that you're a good person? That you have compassion in your heart and kindness on your mind?

Who cares if you're LATE accomplishing the goals you've set for yourself?

Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself, is to remember that you need care too.

We all need time to rest, relax and rejuvenate for the next thing on our plate, whether it's about to be Monday again and we're starting the grind all over for the millionth time, or whether we need a project brake to help our voice become fresh and new.

NEW GOAL:   MORE.    SELF.   CARE.


Sunday, December 2, 2018

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year! HA!

Going to see Santa, from your sweet baby's perspective...


Mom, where are we? There are a LOT of kids and lights and cotton ball stuff strewn around.


It smells funny in here, and it's hot.


Wait, we're entering a line... is it a line for ice cream? Cause' that would be great, I'm hungry, and ... wait...


Who's that weird looking person on the throne.


Why are those daddies handing their sweet babies to him, I don't ---


WAIT A MINUTE. IS THIS A CHILD SACRIFICE LINE?!


ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THIS OLD SWEATY DUDE IN VELVET IS THE GOD OF CANDY CANES OR


SOMETHING?! YOU KNOW WE CAN BUY THOSE! DON’T GIVE ME TO HIM!


I PROMISE NOT TO THROW MY CUP ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT THE ONE THAT’S THE WRONG


COLOUR, I— NOOOOOOOOO!!!


I DON’T WANT TO BE A SACRIFIIIIIIIIIICE!


TAKE ME BACK SAFELY IN YOUR ARMS, DON’T GIVE ME TO THE GUY WEARING A FUR TRIMMED


VELVET ONSIE!! PLEASE NO!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! PICK ME UP! HE CAN’T BE SANTA!


SANTA SMELLS LIKE COOKIES AND JOY AND THAT NEW TOY SMELL THAT I DON'T GET TO INHALE FUMES


OF NEARLY AS OFTEN AS I SHOULD! THIS GUY SMELLS LIKE SWEAT AND TIDE! DON’T LEAVE ME WITH HIM!


WHAT ARE THOSE FLASHES! ARE YOU TAKING PICTURES??! WHY ARE YOU DOCUMENTING THIS?!


IS THIS MY NEW LEGAL PASSPORT PHOTO?!


I DON’T WANT TO BE—- oh.


Oh, I get the candy cane? We’re leaving? Wait, are there presents?


Oh, we can go home. Thank goodness. My tiny heart is beating out of my chest, I was so scared.


I was too terrified to even pee on him so he’d let me go and I could run to you to save myself.


Can we have ice cream now?


Friday, November 30, 2018

Flu Haiku!

Are YOU Dizzy?


Cannot find my ground,

Steady on, steady on, BREATHE.

Sleep, and rest, and heal.



Thursday, November 22, 2018

Mirror, Mirror...

I look into the mirror and I see a single facet of myself.

I don't look like I did in my teens, or my twenties.

My shape is the same, but my features, my carriage, my outward aura, is different.

As we get older, as we continue to grow, not in height, but in experience, we are stretched and dented.

We are molded and compressed, and it shows on our bodies.

Things in reflection always seem different.

Such is the image of the person in the mirror.

She waves in three dimensions, she can smile back at me, or frown, or grimace or stand silently while tears roll down her cheeks.

I can see the appearance of her skin; pale, circles under her dark, dark eyes.

Wisps of hair curling about her ears and throat, the rest thickly held up with a tie.

I can see the memories floating across her face as she thinks to herself,

"Laughter. Tears. Pain. Pleasure. Euphoria. Terror. Pure Joy. All there. All leaving their marks on my soul."

I am still working on self-acceptance and love. I'll never be done working on it, and that's good, because what are we when we've nothing to work on?

Stagnation is the death of something...

My body is not what it was; it is MORE.

I don't always believe this with my whole being.

In fact, I'd struggle to say that my belief that 'I am more than I was,' is something entirely true; rather, it is of a dual nature: part truth, and part lie.

I am the same being, but I am also, drastically different than I was.

Right now I am working to get back towards my center.

To feel that my body is a home base that I can trust.

I stretch my limbs. I warm up. I dance in a different way now, though there are elements of the old, familiar and comfortable.

Some days I get hung up on numbers.
Weight.
Age.
Years.

The passing of time itself.

I wonder if I'll ever get back to my heart's home base.

I will, though.

Everything is temporary, and even though I am older, I still have most of my flexibility, and if I take care of myself and stay strong too, then I won't get hurt.

Perhaps I can reach the point where the numbers don't matter.

I hope so.

I am okay to be their captive temporarily, because I have my grounding influences, reassurances and check-points to keep me safe from obsession.

Safe from danger.

I do have introspective awareness enough to ask for help if I need it.

Today though, I focus on remembering the feeling of my feet on the floor; a firm delicious contact.

My body cascading through space and time.

My heart beating, my soul soaring.

I will be okay.

I will be better than I was, yet again.

That is the nature of time and wounds and healing; stronger than before, unless you break.

I've been broken, and I recovered.

My scars are stronger tissue than the un-marred parts.

So.

I will heed Maya Angelou, and continue to remind myself, that no matter the numbers, the difficulty, the pain or the joy,

"Still I rise."


Sunday, July 22, 2018

Quick! Wave Goodbye, Here Goes July!

       "AAAAAAH! Whoooooooooooo..... okay, I can breathe through this.... this is fine... the pain will stop in just a moment..." Oh my heart -- the thudding pulsed in my ears.

Tears sprung unbidden to my eyes with the effort of biting my lip so I wouldn't moan in public.

       "Oh no. Do you want some ice?"

 "Sure, actually. Yes. Thank you so much!" I gasped out. 

       "I'm going to get you some ibuprofen."

"Oh gosh, that's really kind of you, thanks," I replied. 

N and L were so sweet to rush over to help me.

 Only I would completely bump my foot with a broken toe on the corner of the counter as my 2 year old rushed by, in an effort to avoid him stepping on said foot. 

My hands were shaking as I hobbled over to the table with my plate of food. Sinking into the chair, I took a deep, cleansing breath. 

       "Darlin', how're you doing?" J asked, with a serious look on his face.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine, look, I'm eating," I mumbled back at him. He'd noticed my hands, trembling.

"Your blood sugar is low because of the pain and adrenaline, isn't it?" he murmured, his whiskey colored eyes peering down into my face.

"Yes," I conceded.  Shoving a bite of vegetable sushi into my mouth, I began to try to focus on the salty, crunchy and creamy mix, instead of the throbbing tingle in my foot.

       " 'CADO. Want more 'cado, peas!" My youngest implored me, his big brown eyes melting into mine, as his chubby little hands tried to slide my plate out from under my fingers.

"Okay Boo, hang on, I'll give you the whole top of this roll -- see? All avocado."

" 'Tanks Mama," he beamed at me. 

"You're welcome," I said grinning back at him.

       "Hey Mom, I'd like some chips please," S said politely, glancing longingly at the counter where the chips and salsa had been set out.

"I'll get it," said J.

"Thanks Dad."

"You're welcome."

"What do you think guys," I asked, "is this a tasty lunch?"

"YES!" was the unanimous reply. The boys were flushed and happy, though moments ago they had been shivering with delight, or perhaps from being too cold in the pool as the breeze picked up, and the rain began to roll in.

I fielded several well-intentioned questions about why I wasn't wearing an immobilizing boot; why I hadn't brought crutches with me, my answers all boiling down to the basic reason that I'm stubborn and I thought my foot would cramp in a boot, and that my gait was close to normal as long as I was careful with the way I put weight on my foot, and a boot would change that. 

As for the crutches, they bruised my hands and my ribs, and as far as I was concerned they were simply replacing one uncomfortable inconvenience for another. 

We finished our lunch and went upstairs to warm up, dry off, and pet L, N and J's dog Rey. 

We read books and the kids played. We ate dairy free ice-cream, and I forgot about my foot for a while, as I was watching the little ones interact.

These summer days go by so fast; August is just around the corner, and before we realize it, it will be fall again -- my favourite time of year, but this year, very bittersweet. 

My youngest will be starting school with his big brother, and for the first time in what feels longer than five brief years, I'm going to have days where I don't have my little shadows in small and smaller. In fact, they're more medium and small, going on big and bigger. 

Oh, my heart.


Monday, June 11, 2018

June is bustin' out all oooooooover....

No matter what your inner voice screams, you are amazing.

Sometimes resiliency is a, 'fake it until you make it,' scheme, and sometimes you have to admit that you need help, because faking it simply isn't working.

Remember, despite your perhaps thinking you've already dealt with, processed, gotten past or through something, the universe has a way of bringing that old crap up again to remind you of a few things:

 Firstly, that you shouldn't forget the lesson you learned through the hardship.

Secondly, there may be something you're missing that you need to deal with.

Thirdly, maybe things feel too familiar for a reason, and that's something to be aware of and keep in mind.

I've been struggling with a few things lately, that I truly thought I would never have to deal with again. In addition to that difficulty, I have quite recently had a new negative pattern pop up its nasty little head.

I did something that I don't often do: I asked for help and support. I admitted that I was not okay, that I could not handle my situation without help, and that I needed more support than I was currently receiving.

Sometimes keeping things to yourself is not the way to go.

Having said the above, if you're struggling with anxiety, depression, or other difficulties, asking for help can feel like an impossible task.

I am very lucky to have people in my life who love me enough to comprehend that when I'm emotionally or physically struggling or exhausted, that I need the reassurance that the person checking in, or asking how I am, really and truly wants to know my answer.

My partner understands this, and will press me to divulge all information and encourage me in a supporting and sustaining manner. If I am unable to deal with something, he helps me take the first steps.

Not everyone has someone in their life who is able to do that.

If you see someone struggling, or having a difficult moment, ASK THEM if they need assistance -- be it a close friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.

The number of times I have checked in with someone crying, or downcast  --- and I'm talking about strangers on the street or outside my normal circle of friends and acquaintances, is TOO MANY to count.

Sometimes, all a person needs is a hearty meal to feel okay again, sometimes it's a hotline referral, or a simple handshake.

 Sometimes it's a greeting, a smile, a cookie and an, "I see you and acknowledge your pain and your existence."

I try to carry snacks in my car, not just for myself (HANGRY is not a laughing matter, and low blood sugar or hypoglycemia can be scary) but for the homeless too, or anyone really, who could use a small act of kindness to remember that they're not alone, if only for a moment.

I'm rambling today, but my point is: ASK for help if you can, and try and have compassion enough to realize that sometimes it's not possible. Sometimes you have to remember when you yourself ARE OKAY, that someone else isn't, and they need you to instigate.

For anyone struggling with a longer, deeper, or more inescapable issue, please know that I send you love and support. Life isn't easy, and whatever you're dealing with, I wish I could take your pain and suffering away.

For now, I want you all to know that I am doing very well. My issue was quickly resolved before it became a permanent or much more scary fixture in my life, because I had the self-awareness to ask for the help I realized I needed, immediately. While I am still staying aware of my self-care patterns, and checking in with my center every day, I remain vigilant in my compassion and message of love and light.

Please, take care of yourselves, and if you can't, I hope someone sees you and is able to reach out.