Sunday, July 22, 2018

Quick! Wave Goodbye, Here Goes July!

       "AAAAAAH! Whoooooooooooo..... okay, I can breathe through this.... this is fine... the pain will stop in just a moment..." Oh my heart -- the thudding pulsed in my ears.

Tears sprung unbidden to my eyes with the effort of biting my lip so I wouldn't moan in public.

       "Oh no. Do you want some ice?"

 "Sure, actually. Yes. Thank you so much!" I gasped out. 

       "I'm going to get you some ibuprofen."

"Oh gosh, that's really kind of you, thanks," I replied. 

N and L were so sweet to rush over to help me.

 Only I would completely bump my foot with a broken toe on the corner of the counter as my 2 year old rushed by, in an effort to avoid him stepping on said foot. 

My hands were shaking as I hobbled over to the table with my plate of food. Sinking into the chair, I took a deep, cleansing breath. 

       "Darlin', how're you doing?" J asked, with a serious look on his face.

"I'm fine. I'll be fine, look, I'm eating," I mumbled back at him. He'd noticed my hands, trembling.

"Your blood sugar is low because of the pain and adrenaline, isn't it?" he murmured, his whiskey colored eyes peering down into my face.

"Yes," I conceded.  Shoving a bite of vegetable sushi into my mouth, I began to try to focus on the salty, crunchy and creamy mix, instead of the throbbing tingle in my foot.

       " 'CADO. Want more 'cado, peas!" My youngest implored me, his big brown eyes melting into mine, as his chubby little hands tried to slide my plate out from under my fingers.

"Okay Boo, hang on, I'll give you the whole top of this roll -- see? All avocado."

" 'Tanks Mama," he beamed at me. 

"You're welcome," I said grinning back at him.

       "Hey Mom, I'd like some chips please," S said politely, glancing longingly at the counter where the chips and salsa had been set out.

"I'll get it," said J.

"Thanks Dad."

"You're welcome."

"What do you think guys," I asked, "is this a tasty lunch?"

"YES!" was the unanimous reply. The boys were flushed and happy, though moments ago they had been shivering with delight, or perhaps from being too cold in the pool as the breeze picked up, and the rain began to roll in.

I fielded several well-intentioned questions about why I wasn't wearing an immobilizing boot; why I hadn't brought crutches with me, my answers all boiling down to the basic reason that I'm stubborn and I thought my foot would cramp in a boot, and that my gait was close to normal as long as I was careful with the way I put weight on my foot, and a boot would change that. 

As for the crutches, they bruised my hands and my ribs, and as far as I was concerned they were simply replacing one uncomfortable inconvenience for another. 

We finished our lunch and went upstairs to warm up, dry off, and pet L, N and J's dog Rey. 

We read books and the kids played. We ate dairy free ice-cream, and I forgot about my foot for a while, as I was watching the little ones interact.

These summer days go by so fast; August is just around the corner, and before we realize it, it will be fall again -- my favourite time of year, but this year, very bittersweet. 

My youngest will be starting school with his big brother, and for the first time in what feels longer than five brief years, I'm going to have days where I don't have my little shadows in small and smaller. In fact, they're more medium and small, going on big and bigger. 

Oh, my heart.

Monday, June 11, 2018

June is bustin' out all oooooooover....

No matter what your inner voice screams, you are amazing.

Sometimes resiliency is a, 'fake it until you make it,' scheme, and sometimes you have to admit that you need help, because faking it simply isn't working.

Remember, despite your perhaps thinking you've already dealt with, processed, gotten past or through something, the universe has a way of bringing that old crap up again to remind you of a few things:

 Firstly, that you shouldn't forget the lesson you learned through the hardship.

Secondly, there may be something you're missing that you need to deal with.

Thirdly, maybe things feel too familiar for a reason, and that's something to be aware of and keep in mind.

I've been struggling with a few things lately, that I truly thought I would never have to deal with again. In addition to that difficulty, I have quite recently had a new negative pattern pop up its nasty little head.

I did something that I don't often do: I asked for help and support. I admitted that I was not okay, that I could not handle my situation without help, and that I needed more support than I was currently receiving.

Sometimes keeping things to yourself is not the way to go.

Having said the above, if you're struggling with anxiety, depression, or other difficulties, asking for help can feel like an impossible task.

I am very lucky to have people in my life who love me enough to comprehend that when I'm emotionally or physically struggling or exhausted, that I need the reassurance that the person checking in, or asking how I am, really and truly wants to know my answer.

My partner understands this, and will press me to divulge all information and encourage me in a supporting and sustaining manner. If I am unable to deal with something, he helps me take the first steps.

Not everyone has someone in their life who is able to do that.

If you see someone struggling, or having a difficult moment, ASK THEM if they need assistance -- be it a close friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.

The number of times I have checked in with someone crying, or downcast  --- and I'm talking about strangers on the street or outside my normal circle of friends and acquaintances, is TOO MANY to count.

Sometimes, all a person needs is a hearty meal to feel okay again, sometimes it's a hotline referral, or a simple handshake.

 Sometimes it's a greeting, a smile, a cookie and an, "I see you and acknowledge your pain and your existence."

I try to carry snacks in my car, not just for myself (HANGRY is not a laughing matter, and low blood sugar or hypoglycemia can be scary) but for the homeless too, or anyone really, who could use a small act of kindness to remember that they're not alone, if only for a moment.

I'm rambling today, but my point is: ASK for help if you can, and try and have compassion enough to realize that sometimes it's not possible. Sometimes you have to remember when you yourself ARE OKAY, that someone else isn't, and they need you to instigate.

For anyone struggling with a longer, deeper, or more inescapable issue, please know that I send you love and support. Life isn't easy, and whatever you're dealing with, I wish I could take your pain and suffering away.

For now, I want you all to know that I am doing very well. My issue was quickly resolved before it became a permanent or much more scary fixture in my life, because I had the self-awareness to ask for the help I realized I needed, immediately. While I am still staying aware of my self-care patterns, and checking in with my center every day, I remain vigilant in my compassion and message of love and light.

Please, take care of yourselves, and if you can't, I hope someone sees you and is able to reach out.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Holy Moly May is here...

Some days the rain doesn't come.
I want it to. Badly.

Some days my heart feels broken, even though I know it should be whole.
Bittersweet, to me.

Some days I have one drink and I think to myself,
There are people who walk around this fuzzy all the time.

Some days I think I know who I am.
Then I surprise myself, YET again.

Some days I long for a different feel to my life.
Then I remember all I have to be happy, and thankful for.

Some days I apologize too much for anything, and everything.
Oh wait, that's every day.

Some days I question my motives and my whole approach to relationships.
I never know how I'll answer.

Some days I doubt my sincerity, and then I remember what I'm all about.
Honesty with a dash of tact, even if it hurts.

Some days I feel as though I could do backflips down every long hallway I encounter.
That's how my happy comes out sometimes.

Some days I frantically write my thoughts down, because I don't want to lose them.
Then I forget where I placed my notebook, and I have to start again.

Some days, I feel elated and know that soon I'll be on the other side and ascending into sadness, just for a moment-- the price we pay for love, is often grief.
Take today, for example.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

This Weather We're Havin', Eh?

Petrichor: The smell of the earth after it rains.

Cool, fresh, earthy night air caresses my body and the resulting gust leaves goosebumps.

The clouds dance across the moon in waves, as though an ocean of grey and silver gleams and churns above me.

The rain is cold, clean, and sharp; soft and firm, all at the same time.


I remember being seven or eight...

The night of the first snow, had to be just after October. Possibly, it was exactly a week from Halloween, on my birthday.  We'd been watching "Flower Drum Song," and it began to fall.

The framed glass doors leading out to the back porch glistened and glowed with silent, fluffy flakes.

I remember wearing only an over-sized t-shirt and having my mom slip her deliciously puffy and soft black coat around me; it was knee length on her, but I swam in its slippery, silky embrace.

Stepping out from the dark shadows of our house, I took a deep breath, crossing from glossy hardwood onto grey cedar. The wood of our back deck was densely smooth, but rough around the edges.

 Oklahoma weather had stained it with sun, rain and thunderstorms.

 I looked directly up into the pitch black night sky.

I couldn't see stars, but the flakes were coming fast and straight at my face as I kept it tilted all the way back.

I began to spin.

Arms out!

We still had the purple and green porch-lights up, and the effect on the falling snow was one of dizzyingly blending pastel colors.

Music was playing in my head. "Love Look Away," -- an amazing piece from the aforesaid Rogers and Hammerstein musical we'd been watching.

My feet were cold, but it didn't matter. Snowflakes melted on my cheeks, and I remember feeling transported with the smell of the the brisk air, and the gentle flurries around me.

The warmth of my body in the coat was in such contrast to my exposed skin.  I remember my heartbeat thudding as the orchestra played in my head, while I was mesmerized; staring up into infinity.

 I kept spinning with my head back, under the fast, falling snow.

I kept dancing to the music, with my heart keeping time until I thought I might fall over from the sheer joy of being alive in that moment.

I am sometimes homesick for that feeling...

Monday, February 26, 2018

Too Much

Is there such a thing as too much?

Too many mistakes.
Too many people.
Too many calories.
Too many cars.
Too many times.
Too much force.
Too terrible to think about.

What about too little?

Too few friends.
Too few opportunities.
Too few dollars.
Too few volunteers.
Too little empathy.
Too little to understand.
Too little trust.

Having just enough:

In the middle is perfection...
Or is it mediocrity?
Just enough means life at its best, but what if you miss the mark?
How do you know you've reached the pinnacle of the successful stratagem?
What does the mean, mean?
Is it possible to balance the see-saw indefinitely?
Or will you be stuck motionless at the "just right," place...

Too much, too little and too late:

Life goes up and down.
There is no perfect center, except the center of your being, the space inside your soul.
Back and forth and good and bad, want and need and all one has... everything.
Everything moves in cycles, and if you stay stuck in the middle, you die.
Time won't stand still.
Living means movement, which means flux.
Even the breath in your lungs expands and contracts; perfection isn't met.

Or found.
Or kept.
Or traded.

The stillness of motion is in the moment itself.

Keep moving, keep fighting, keep testing the rise and fall.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Forgive Yourself and DO IT NOW.

Don't hold a grudge like a weapon, especially against your own self's past transgressions.
Do take the time to remember the good things, and not everything the critics dismember.


Sometimes the old stuff resurfaces in the most unpleasant ways.
Things you think you've processed, that you feel finished with, once again arise.
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the asshole in the room, and then sending them on their way.

It's never too late to start something you always wanted to try, or do, or experience, and it's also never too late to pick back up, that which you laid down years ago.
You don't have to remain trapped in what you thought was yourself; growth and change are going to happen, whether you like it or not.


Breathe in and out.
Take a look around.
Can you see me now?
I'm the lost and found.

Touch my skin, it's soft.
Hold my heart aloft.
Lead me to the trough.
Drink the drink I brought.

In each soul there lives;
Dark and light to give.
Only when, what-if?
Stop and see the trip.

You can make your way.
You can seize the day.
Mix the paint, it's gray.
You don't have to stay.

Every word has strength.
Take its breadth and length.
Notice what you think.
If your blood were ink?

Happenstance is clear.
Hindsight, fondly dear.
Your love brought you here.
Don't lose, fight the fear.

As the river flows,
Ask the wind, she blows.
Only "heaven," knows.
Time's out, nothing owes.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

"If I'm late, it's because I'm dead," - Entrapment

Don't Worry Mom, It's NOT a LIMERICK:

My parents are wonderful humans.
The each have their quirks and their peeves.
My dad must be three hours early.
My mom gets there after he leaves.

My dad rises early each morning.
My mom prefers sleeping in more.
My dad will be dressed, and ready to go.
He'll wait a long time by the door.

When I was a small little kiddo,
My Daddy was always on time.
My mom hesitates, people always wait,
She's got her own pace and timeline.

The stares and the looks made me shudder.
If mom was the one driving me.
Be it practice or school, or a trip to the pool,
I would walk in ashamed, late you see.

As soon as I got my own license.
I got a job working with horses.
We bought a used car, named it Willie,
Then early I was for my courses.

My mom simply cannot do "early."
Our friends have all learned to adjust.
If my family's invited to something,
Then "Warren Time-Change", is a must.

This means that a party at 1:00,
Will be stated to start at 12:30,
Dad and I will show up before set-up is done,
My mom might be on time, she'll look pretty.

Note: I love my parents dearly, but I did feel ashamed being late to things -- it was very embarrassing for me growing up, and once I got my own car, I was only late if my alarm didn't go off, and usually not even then, because I tend to wake up early. I'm not three hours early, like my Dad, but I'm not 20 minutes late either (Momma). My preference is about 10 to 15 minutes early. ;-) The Sweet Spot. If I arrive exactly on time for something, then I feel late.