Thursday, January 2, 2014

A Cool Drink of Water...


Writing after an absence is akin to that delicious sweet and slippery taste of water when you come inside after running around on a hot day.

 The house interior seems much dimmer to eyes that have been out in the bright sun--- shadows dance before you as you lick your dry, lips with your sticky sandpaper tongue.

The sink.

In the kitchen it is cooler; looking out the window where the sunshine gleams off of glass and soaks into bricks and mud and wood… the green grass warm on the blades, but cool underneath…

The sink whispers.

Silver and dully glinting in the kitchen where no lights are on, you feel degrees cooler with every step closer to it.

Reaching into the cabinet above, your fingers wrap around the cool solidified liquid of a glass.

Your body so hot that your fingers steam around their edges, causing condensation on a vessel not yet filled with water.

You reach for the knob of cold. The silvery rushing sound of the water crawling and slipping through the pipes is faint and then grows louder as the sparkling, white rush comes forth from the faucet.

You hold the glass heavily under the flow; feeling it's clear, cold volume fill up.

Your eyes almost unfocused, you stare at the glass in the shade of the room-- watching the bubbles from the rapids crashing on the sides disappear.

Breathing out in a great sigh, you lift the impeccably smooth, cool edge to your cracked lips.


Sweet and juicy and intensely cooling.

You try not to gulp, but it's impossible.

You've  downed the glass so quickly, it almost hurts to swallow the chugs.


Must have more.

You drink until the water dribbles down the sides of your mouth,
until the splashes on the sides of the glass hit the chest of your shirt,
until you open your eyes light-headed with the sudden rush of hydration,
until your pounding head and heart cause you to gasp for breath,
until your belly is sloshing with the cold heavy liquid,
until you feel dizzy,
until you see spots in front of your eyes because you ingested it so quickly and your body is suddenly so tired and completely relaxed that you must sit or lay down to rest.

THAT is what it's like to write after an absence….

Daring December!

December came and went; like the snow that wasn't around for our gray Christmas.

Still no decorating for this Holiday… like Thanksgiving, I had to ask for help and I didn't cook much.

No trip home to New England, but rather a soft, messy Christmas at home with our new little one.

Visits to the grandparents newly ensconced in assisted living and out of their house,
Presents through Secret Santa at my Mother in Law's home,
Video-chat with my parents to say "I love you," and "Merry Christmas!"

Thank you notes piling up on my list of "To Do's," and I've not begun them because I'm still not fully comfortable in my body and I've hurt my back besides and things are STILL not over.

Much love was exchanged! Reminiscing over the visits from four DEAR friends and the caring they send: delightful.

Being thankful for my brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law and mother-in-law and the rest of J's family out here--- how could we have gotten on without a supportive family on both sides?

Blink, and December is over: can you believe it's going to be 2014?

Needy November:

I am not good at asking for help.
I have been this way my whole life; it feels as though if I need help, I am somehow a weaker person.
The truth about asking for help is this: You are a STRONGER person if you're able to ASK FOR HELP.

Our Sam was born the day after my birthday. He was 8 pounds and one ounce and 21.5 inches of amazing.

I won't go into the details of his birth on this medium, except to say that I did as I expected to almost the end, and then everything went wonky for me.

Sam was born safely; I birthed successfully, but things that I didn't expect to happen kept on happening.

The end of his birth was a shock.
Healing was a shock and never before have I been forced to ask for so much help.
I could not imagine going through any of this alone.

I had no idea that time would go through Christmas, and I am still not completely healed.

I am going to write out the story of our birth experience one day, but I'm not sure if I'll post it here.

The good news is: Samuel is an incredible baby. He and I have bonded and worked so hard for each other. My partner and husband Jody is amazing and has gone above and beyond the call of duty for a mate.

The bitter news is: I am still healing emotionally and physically.

Every day things get better, and of course I am grateful for our baby every day.

The thing is, when someone has something crazy difficult to deal with, and every one says "But focus on the positive outcome," it's INVALIDATING to the person who went through, or is currently going through something hard.

Handling a life-altering, insanely difficult task is an immense thing to have to process and continue processing; be it trauma or something that you thought you chose that continues to be a daily struggle.

Never judge anyone until you've walked two moons in their moccasins.

Be kind and don't tell someone to "Look at the bright side," until they're ready… so guess what? They KNOW what the bright side is, but it's not an option for them in their process right now. Maybe they'll get there, maybe they won't, but trying to force a person's perspective is like trying to shove a book through through a keyhole: it's going to be an impossible, tearing mess that makes you want to cry sometimes.

This entry is dedicated to Krissy and Heidi.

All my love.

The Missing October...

October was a month of leaves, introspection and wondering…

How am I going to get through all this emotion?

When will I feel quite like myself again and at home in my body?

October was full of weeks with nostalgia for something I couldn't remember…

A part of my past that was so completely through I longed for the familiar pain of it.

Silly things and old  baggage rearing up it's wrinkled muzzle to snuff around.

Halloween came.. my favourite holiday… no decorations…

No trick-or-treat…

Only a game of waiting and hoping and frustration and bewildering silence.

A week later my birthday… and events began to end.

Starting and stopping STOPPED.

November was the month of new beginnings; with turning 30 came another day to mark the calendar.

Our baby was born.