A Walk Thwarted...

The alarm went off as usual...

            "Goood morning!" it sang to us.

Next to me, J stirred and exhaled a deep sigh.

We both felt mostly used to the new schedule.

The work schedule requiring him to wake at 4:30 AM, or 4:45 AM so that he could leave for work between 5:00 and 5:10 AM and arrive in Denver on time.

Some mornings though, are proving more difficult than others.

He rolled out of bed as I snuggled deeper into the lumpy fluff of our mattress and was promptly sunk into the center of the bed... the hole which we both fought not to fall into during the night.

"I'm gonna', take five more minutes," I murmured to him.

"Okay Darlin'. You don't have to get up, you know," he said soothingly.

"Yes I do. I want our porch time," I replied groggily.

"Okay," he said quietly, pulling on his work clothes before popping in to brush his teeth.

I slipped back into the gray, warm, blanket of nothingness.

Shhhhuunk, SLAP!

The sound of the icebox door popping closed roused me from my doze.

I blew out some air with effort and rolling around like a turtle on its back, I managed to swing my legs over the depths of our bed which is lumpy and sags in the center.

Our mattress is over 15 years old. Most mattresses only last about 10 years.

 It's a pillow top that I bought on sale in college, it had been the floor model of a discontinued mattress. A floor model for 5 years, which is why I got such a great deal at the time.

The mattress tried to pull my butt back into its folds as I waggled my legs a bit, trying to get my toes to the floor.

Being pregnant, my once tiny waist (no matter my overall weight fluctuation) has disappeared and now a soccer ball has taken up residence.

I padded into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, then pulled on a plaid flannel shirt and sweatpants in the dark of our bedroom.

Opening the door into the kitchen, the hinges creaked loudly.

The tiny light over the sink was on and the kitties were munching their breakfast happily in the small fading edges of its pool of yellow.

The rest of the house was still quite dark.

The tea kettle glowed - bone coloured with  blue flames dancing on low beneath its ceramic belly.

I poured myself a cup of decaffeinated Lady Grey tea and added a dollop of Almond milk; not waiting for the bag to steep.

I grabbed a sweatshirt from the rack, and eased open the front door, pushing the red wooden screen open with my foot as I pulled the heavy old wooden one closed behind me.

J was sitting on the porch swing; steam rising from the cup of black coffee between his palms, his head tilted back and his eyes closed, he had a faint, yet tired smile on his lips.

Feeling a little light-headed, I took a deep breath of the delightfully cool morning air.

 It was still inky and dark outside; the freshness of the morning evoking a feeling of clouds and rain.

The trees in our front yard were just barely beginning to show their crooked outlines against the stark backlit glow; beginning sunrise in the sky.

I exhaled and stepped over to the swing. Without opening his eyes J stopped the gentle rocking with his foot as I snuggled down next to him, laying my head on his shoulder.

"I'm tired," I said yawning.

"You don't need to get up with me," he said, sipping his coffee.

"I don't mind getting up early. Besides, once I'm awake, I'm up for at least an hour," I said, continuing with, "I just mean I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't get comfortable."

"I know what you mean. It was strange last night, I couldn't fall asleep," he offered.

"I'm anxious about getting a new bed," I said.

"I know. It feels like a big deal," he murmured.

"Our bed is old and past its expiration date, but... it's a lot of change," I whispered.

"Yes it is, but I think it will be worth it for us both to be comfortable. Besides, the one we're looking at lasts 20 years at least, right?" he said smiling.

After a few moments, he finished his coffee and stood up, stretching his long arms high.

"All right Darlin', I gotta' go," he said, pulling me up off the swing into a hug.

A warm kiss and then he was off to work.

I watched him pull out of the driveway and gently accelerate down the street.

Picking up our cups, I slipped back inside the house, leaning against the door to shut it behind me, feeling the screen door slam outside.

I rinsed our cups in the sink and then leaned back, bracing myself against it and arching my spine.

Suddenly, I felt a headache coming on. The edges of it were inching around my ears and the nape of my neck, buzzing behind my eyes and temples unpleasantly.

With a frustrated sigh, I walked back into the living room and sank on to our big green couch; wrapping the three generations quilt around me.

Propping my head against the round sofa arm, I closed my eyes.

No morning walk today.

<3

Thunderstorms, Strange Orange Flowers.... The Ascent of Summer...

Behind our house, grow orange flowers.

Waving; glistening, blue from rain.

Thunder causes them to shiver, 

Lightening, illuminates the train.

The whistle sounds despite the torrent,

Muffled by the water's path.

I am walking on the sidewalk, 

In the mist of morning's math.

Are they poppies? Bright green stalks.

They highlight our back cement.

The one bright spot in all the alley,

Marks our house, for we're content.

Soon will come the heat of summer,

Raging, bursting, bright and warm.

Spring is fading fast and faster,

Trees are budding with this storm.

I will long for rainstorms' whisper,

I will thirst for thunder's boom.

My heart burns for lightening's flash,

When hiding from the sun, in rooms.

Fans will dance with undulation,

Slow; their breath across our skin.

Iced tea sweats in glasses warming,

Brewed with sunshine, ice cubes thin.

We shall swim in lakes and rivers,

Beer and wine, tequila too.

I'll not drink, but taste the mint,

Which bites my water glass full through.

All too soon the evening's crickets,

Singing deep in trees and grass,

Will foretell of wind and fire,

Leaping, to repeat the past.

Ripe the fruit of lazy summer,

Sweet the taste of morning dew.

Sweat and freckles, books and movies,

All delivered right to you.

Then the evenings' mud will harden,

Cold and solid; black and thick.

Autumn comes; it slips right in,

Behind your thoughts; a worthy trick.

I shall miss the summer showers,

Wearing next to nothing: skin.

Fall, my favorite winds my hours,

For now, the rain begins again.

In Defense of my Defense...

I find myself frequently running low on patience these days.

Normally, I consider myself to be a very patient person (at least for all outward appearances) because I consider that to be a trait of basic, common decency.

Being pregnant, all my "zen," has gone out the window.

I find myself talking out loud in the car... to no one.

Well, really, I am conversing with the driver who just cut someone off--
-- or nearly hit me by ignoring a protected arrow turning--
--- or who ran a stop-sign to my left--
--or who is tailgating myself or someone near me.

I also find that my passion is leaking out of me all the time!

Small things that would normally be the cause of a gentle discussion and frank exchange of ideas, set me up on a vehement soap box.

Most recently in defense of vegan and vegetarianism.

I find that I am less able to let things go -- I have to open my mouth. :-P

Sigh.

I was never so easily offended as I am now.

Noises, comments, worries... all of these things are parading around my consciousness.

The good news is, I have not tossed my cookies today -- without anti-nausea herbal help.
That's certainly a milestone.

The bad, or not "bad," so much as slightly disheartening bit, is that emotions (both my own and those of others) seem to affect me more than usual.

I thought I'd done my homework on this, but sharing a body with a tiny new life has spread my energies thin, and to be honest, I find myself becoming upset over ridiculous things that would never bother me normally.

I keep trying to envision "water off a whale's back," and to ground myself, but though I dig my bare feet deeply into the mud of the earth and my soul, I cannot seem to find my equilibrium.

"Oh Love, this is completely normal. Haven't you heard that pregnant women are crazy and hormonal and cry all the time?"

Well, yes. I have heard that. I will also admit, that I cry particularly quickly when I see cute things, like puppies.

However, while I am used to feeling passionately and deeply, I am not used to feeling constantly insecure and cranky all. The. Time.

Hopefully, this will pass.

Well, it has to.

In other news: I still love the smell that sits between the pages of books, as well as the smell of my fingers after playing my guitar.

At least I have some comforting things left. ;-)

Happy May Everybody.

May the 4th Be With You...

BZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZ!

  I jerked awake. 

An alarm had been going off in my dream... I was making lavender caramels for my mother and then a huge buzzer... wait, no... that was J's phone. Hastily I grabbed it, feeling him stir next to me.

"Honey, you got a call," I mumbled and handed him the phone.

"Mmmmph. I don't know this number."

"It's 1:45 AM," I said with a sigh, "Did they leave a message?"

"Nope," he replied, setting his phone on his bedside table. 

He snuggled up to me with a groan, and we tried to go back to sleep. I felt so uncomfortable, hot and cold... my pulse pounding in my ears. 

Groggily, and with a stuffy nose, I managed to slip back into the gray depths of dreams.

-------------------------------------

DIIIING- DOOONG!

Mom smiled at me as the doorbell's sonorous tones echoed into the kitchen. 

"Good morning. She's only got the one bag. Thank you," I said to the shuttle driver as he opened the screen door, the springs groaned slightly.

"Well Honey, I'm so glad I was able to come. I'll ring you from the airport. Love you," she said quietly smiling. We hugged.

"Love you too Mom. Thank you for everything, we really appreciated your coming."

With a smile, she stepped out on to the porch, following the driver to the big blue van. 

Helping her up the step, he threw her suitcase in the back and then puttered off while I waved goodbye.

Breathing in the crisp cool air which was already beginning to sparkle with sunshine, I felt a little tired. 

I decided to go for a walk. 

I made it two blocks and had to turn around because of the blinding sunshine and the noisy, belching trucks and buses. 

Yes, I was a pansy this morning.

I am also quite certain that I looked silly, seeing as I had donned a summer dress; decided it was too cold for just that, and pulled on scrub pants and a red sweatshirt. 

The result was that my aqua skirt stuck out like a tutu under my t-shirt and hoodie, fluffed over my brown pants. 

The morning air was nice, but not quite delicious...  traces of exhaust mixing in with the smells of spring mud and budding plants.

This morning I was reminded of spring in Oklahoma: Early mornings when the dew from the thunderstorm the night before is still misty, and the smell of sprinklers and moist clay mix with the smell of cool shale in the shade and wet concrete. 

In Vermont, spring smells like mud, cows and melting snow. 

When I think of spring, I largely choose to remember Oklahoma as a kid.

 I remember "helping," my father in the garden and flower beds, getting more peat moss on my person that in the topsoil. 

I remember the brilliant hue of marigolds and their spicy smell. The purple and yellow pansies, nodding in the sunshine. Daffodils and tulips, springy and with bright green stems waving in the light breeze.

I long for spring and summer thunderstorms, for lightening and the cool, wet, slick smell of rain. For the gray and purple afternoons that seep lazily into the night; the hush of evening silenced by the calm and quiet before the storm. 

The prologue to the rain, and the booming thunder and flashing quickening. 

Just before the lights go out and the electricity blinks and stays off, and the beeswax candles come out and light faces with their warm and soothing glow.

Peanut butter and jelly, or pimento cheese sandwiches with iced tea and oatmeal cookies for dinner. 

Spring rushes into summer.....

Lemonade and heat. Sun baking the black tar asphalt and the waves of thermals visible in the roads... the grasses crunching and dry.

The longing for more rains, rains that will save the plains, begins. 

I'm not truly convinced that CO really knows what drought means... beyond fire that is. 

We know fire in CO.

I mean droughts that happen every, single year. Droughts that make families weep, not because of evacuation, which is terrifying in and of itself, but tears shed because the crops are dying. Financial ruin may not be far behind. 

My thoughts will be in the plains and the mountains this summer... I will always do dances...

For rain.

Now, however, spring has finally arrived.

Unless it snows again.

Which I cannot say will make me sad... not really. 

Oh How The Wind Blows...

The dark red screen door keeps banging against the deep golden brown wood of our front door.

 Today is blustery and cold, but the sun is out and shining.

All the snow from the dusting of last week has melted, and the air has a clean, earthy, wet smell that I associate with spring.

Easter has come and gone, and still, we have had more snow. :-)

I am pregnant.

I have been quite ill due to a disagreement between my specialist and my gynecologist involving supplementation which turned out to be completely unnecessary.

Sigh....

Not simply morning sickness, but constant nausea and 24-Hour vomiting, mood swings, weeping, aches, pains and feelings of being entirely overwhelmed and helpless while worrying whether what I'm doing is for the baby's own good.... the end is in sight.

Life is funny.

We got married in February, and pregnant on the first try (after thinking that it might take us a while to conceive). I should have known (and I did really, deeply down) that since we chart, we had more information than most. Thank the universe that we don't have to use hormonal birth control! Now we've proven to ourselves that the fertility awareness method (NOT to be confused with the ridiculous "rhythm method") works for birth control AND getting pregnant. At least for us it does.

Oh, information --- it's all in how you use it.

 School House Rock (unpack your ADJECTIIIIVES!) had it right with the phrase:

"Knowledge is Power."

The screen door keeps banging gently...

 I am reminded of the winds that come and go...
The airs and breezes that swiftly slip and twirl across the lands, and meadows...
Which glide up and encircle the mountains, whistle through the trees in the forests... whip through basins and valleys and which skim along the skin of the water...

The future cannot truly be told; not for certain. Even the mystics living alone in caves, or the wise people of the tribes, the soothsayers and gypsies and madams of the world cannot certainly read tea leaves, signs, palms or crystal balls... the reason for this is as follows:

Only one possibility is clear to one searching person at any given time, while truly infinite possibilities coexist simultaneously in every sphere of existence.

Or so I choose to think, being a sensitive myself...

To me, it is also important never to take life for granted.

Things are never what they seem, unless confirmed by the resonance of the heart -- the surety of the gut feeling or the confidence of the input and analysis of the brain when connected with the entire spirit.

My soul is the same and yet different... and I feel as though I am part of the wind;
Flying, flitting all over the place,
Whispering and seeking information, but never hearing a complete answer.
All is not lost, all is somehow found... but not entirely understood.

Such is life, and so is the wind.

Updates and Such...

On February 14th, 2013, J and I wed.

We changed all the "man and wife," bits to "partners for life."

We had a reading about how love is akin to owning a dog.

The tiny ceremony was family only and we forego-ed the traditional church part by making a circle of loving people in the living room of our house.

Four dear friends/relatives decorated our house in valentine's-y style.

My dad's best friend sang "In My Life," by The Beatles accompanied by his acoustic guitar.

My parents both walked me down the aisle and later gave touching and funny speeches at our reception.

An e.e. cummings poem, "I Carry Your Heart," was shared.

Everyone in the room pronounced us married in unison.

Then we ate pie with prosecco and sparkling cider.

We then had a vegan luncheon at my favorite restaurant.

For J, we had BBQ for dinner at his stepmom's house, followed by dancing.

I serenaded J with Little Milton's "We're Gonna' Make It," and we ate vegan wedding cake.

My best friend did her Maid of Honor speech which included her passing "the honor of being best friend," to my new husband,  fairy houses we built when we were 11, and a video of friends from all over the globe sending well wishes and waving --- I balled the whole time.

IT. WAS. AN. AWESOME. WEDDING!

--------------------------------------

Another big thing has happened since all this.

It is both a surprise, but also something that we already knew was a possibility.

I am not quite ready to share it.

Life is so simple, yet so complicated.

Therefore, I leave you with the lyrics of Little Milton, because this song spoke to me so much, that I sang it to J at our wedding:

We may not have a cent to pay the rent,
But we're gonna make it, I know we will.
We may have to eat beans every day,
But we're gonna make it, I know we will.

And if a job is hard to find,
And we have to stand in the welfare line,
I've got your love and you know you got mine,
So we're gonna make it, I know we will.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/little-milton-were-gonna-make-it-lyrics.html ]
We may not have a home to call our own,
But we're gonna make it, I know we will.
We may have to fight hardships alone,
But we're gonna make it, I know we will.

'Cause togetherness brings peace of mind,
Oh, we can't stay down all of the time,
I've got your love and you know you got mine,
So we're gonna make it, I know we will.

Our car may be old, our two rooms cold,
But we're gonna make it, I know we will.
We may not can spare a roach a crumb,
But we're gonna make it, I know we will.

And if I have to carry 'round a sign,
Sayin' "Help the deaf, the dumb, and the blind,"
I've got your love and you know you got mine,
So we're gonna make it, I know we will.

We're gonna' make it,
We're gonna make it, baby
It might seem hard sometimes,
But don't worry, Darlin' Baby,
We're gonna keep on tryin'...

-----------------------

Hugs and LOVE TO YOU ALL!

Christmas in March???!

I rolled over carefully with a small groan.

"Uuuuuugh.. ngghhmmmphhh," came a noise to my right.

"Good morning Honey," I said with a yawn.

J curled into a tighter ball from his fetal position, and mumbled something unintelligible into his pillow.

I couldn't blame him... here it was, 6:49 AM on a Sunday, and he'd got five minutes to get up and leave for work in the snow.

I could feel from the gentle, but expected draft in our house that it was cold this morning. I closed my eyes, and attempted unsuccessfully to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, I felt him lean into me and give me a warm squeeze before shifting his body out of bed.

I listened to his groggy steps thud into the kitchen; the sound of the coffee grinder (an awesome wedding present from my friends K and M) happily whirred away.

Soon it will smell like coffee... I thought to myself. I exhaled happily and drifted into that state of not awake, not asleep that is quite common in the early morning hours.

It had been the second night in a row that I hadn't woken up at 1:00, 2:45 and 3:45 AM-- thank goodness for small favors.

It was the umpteenth night however, that I  had had a weird dream sequence... lately, my dreams had been along the lines of sic-fi and western movies combined with historical fiction.

Last nights had to do with aliens, giant pancakes, overweight male dancers on the space station, and funk music.

I know, I know. Even weirder than usual.

Before I knew it, J had come in to kiss me goodbye and the giant dats were howling excitedly about their breakfast. Having realized that my body wasn't going to sleep anymore, I plodded out of bed and decided that yes, I would have a morning walk.

The weather lately has been amazing. I think that the clouds and the atmosphere are connected to me deeply, because I have consistently been waking up with Christmas music in my head and the yearning for WINTER and SNOW.

Wouldn't you know it, we've been having snow. This is the second dumping in two weeks and I'm LOVING IT because I keep wanting MORE December....

Fireplaces blazing, hot chocolate drinking, pumpkin pastries baking, twinkling colored lights covering, fir-tree-smelling WINTER... or more specifically, CHRISTMAS.

As I walked around this morning, it felt as though I was back at my folks' in Vermont - snow crunching under my feet, my nose not unpleasantly cold, my fingers aching around my mug of NOT hot beverage... J had taken and collected his AND my travel mugs in the last month-- I'm sure the pile in the car has become a mountain in the kitchen at his workplace.

He'd better bring them home clean soon is all I can say--- ceramic does NOT stay warm when it's 1 degree outside.

I noticed several things this morning.

The soft powder had frosted the trees, the eaves, the cars, the ground.... unusually for Colorado.

The sky was a light backlit gray; the sun a huge bleary yellow-whitish ball glowing large and too bright against the tree branches outlined against the sky.

The fresh clean smell of ice, the barely there wind caressing my face, with my ears toasty within the confines of my hood...

It felt so good outside this morning.

Upon my return home, I thought to myself: Perhaps I'll listen to Christmas music today. 

I'm not sure why that's okay with me... usually, I'm not an out-of-season-person... but I must admit that fall is my favorite, winter a perfect second, then spring and lastly summer.

Today though, I've received my wish of snow, and it's supposed to snow more.
So, today will be a day of reading, listening to music, watching musicals and drinking hot beverages while snuggled up.

Never mind that it's almost Easter.

Happy Sunday.