Weird Dreams and Worries...

Meanwhile.... back in the kitchen...
   
   "I keep having strange dreams," I murmured over my finger of coffee. I sipped it as one would a fine scotch.

        "Darlin', I hate to break it to you, but you've always had crazy dreams," J said smiling, his eyes teasing me over his own steaming and full cup.

Coffee. Black. Hot.

That's what we drink in the morning. I have a few sips and normally don't finish my finger's worth, because I don't want my baby to be born addicted to caffeine or too small, or jittery or whatever the horrendous findings of coffee and pregnant women studies have concluded.

However, I am also human and fallible; therefore I like to have a few sips in the morning. Among it being one of my comforts (tea another --- naturally decaffeinated of course) it is also delicious and helps keep things... ahem... moving during pregnancy.

I am beginning to tire again. Things are not as difficult as they were during the beginning of my pregnancy and the stupid progesterone, which I never needed, nor should have been on that wacked out my hormonal levels, but here I am beginning the third trimester (!!!) and finding that things are difficult in another way.

My emotions have continued to swing all over the place. I'm not crying as much now (THANK GOODNESS) but I'm once again fighting the overwhelming urge I have to nap during the day again.

I'm not sure why I don't like the idea of it, but I don't. Normally, when I take naps it's because I'm ill or on vacation. Generally sleeping for a couple to a few hours during daylight means that when it's time to go to bed at 8:30 PM (because we wake up at 4:30 AM) I cannot sleep.

I've been "sick," during my whole pregnancy, which basically means, I have puked from day to day and time to time; sometimes more than other times and occasionally I have a day (the day before yesterday) where I am vomit-free (HOORAY!).

I am used to this by now. It's not upsetting any more (especially since it's a HUGE change from feeling sick twenty-four hours a day; seven days a week).

The specialist doctor who works with my midwife; we'll call him Doc Once-ler (like the character in Dr. Seuss, because he's been that in my head since I met him) just tells me calmly that "a sick Mom means a healthy baby," and not to worry about it because I seem to be "simply very sensitive to the hormonal shifts of pregnancy," meaning that as the baby grows and my levels change throughout the day, my body notices and I barf.

He's fabulous. So is my midwife. Seriously, I'm REALLY THANKFUL that they're my team for this pregnancy.

Mostly lately though, I find myself to be exceedingly mentally exhausted.

There are all these questions:

• Do we really need that _____ on the baby list of "crap that's essential,"?

• What if _____ happens?

• Where are we going to put the baby clothes I just washed in our tiny house with tiny closets which are full?

• A _____ can't fit in the _____ , but do we need one?

• It seems as though the baby has shifted and it feels weird, is it _____?

• We got _____ and it's ugly and probably won't _____ anyway, so I'm going to donate it.

• I've been eating mostly fruit, oatmeal bread, some cheese, one serving of protein and 2 luna bars with green smoothies each day, am I _____ up my kid?

• I've had a week and a half off from work, are my clients _____?

• We need to _____ the _____ before the baby comes and we haven't done it yet!

• We still need to buy _____ for the birth and we haven't yet.

• I feel the urge to buy _____  to have it ready for _____, but we agreed not to spend right now.

Plus several more ridiculous thoughts that seem crazy to me-- the other night I realized I was lying in bed awake waiting to hear the front door window break and for the cats to be shot or injured. 

Ri-di-cu-lous!

Also, I MUST currently have the kitchen counters, sinks and stove CLEAN. Always. 

Why? It makes no sense. 

Everyone tells me I'm "nesting," which is probably true-- if we had all the designated space finished for this baby, I'd have everything folded and put away, but we don't know how we're going to store things yet because we live with tiny closets and a tiny bathroom and high ceilings but tiny bedroom footprints. 

Everything will work out and be organized and fine; I know this.

I try not to assign meaning to everything and just take things one moment at a time.

My partner has been AMAZING (as usual) but things are getting to him too -- cranky pants have been OUT lately. 

We've laughed about a lot of things and we'll keep laughing and surviving and saying "oh, isn't life funny and interesting," to one another until this kid arrives.

THEN the REAL difficulties and joys and OHMYGOSHWE'REREALLYPARENTSNOW begins.

Please, oh please, let me make it to that with my sense of humour about myself intact.

The Crescent Moon Winks in the Waking Dawn...

The crescent moon winks in the waking dawn,

as I look up and behold her.

The lamp posts glow with a golden sheen,

and my footsteps ring below here.

The air is cool and pleasant now,

with a blue-tinged pink arising.

To close one's eyes and breathe in slowly,

the ribs expansion surprising.

There's a misty element to the streets,

and the morning dew's still settled.

I imagine up an ocean breeze,

though I'm landlocked and slightly nettled.

So much change to come, much more change has passed, 

I am living and breathing and holding fast,

I can feel the wind, as it shifts on high,

'There is so much more to learn,' it sighs,

Just remember this, if you don't all else;

The key to all things is: 

To know oneself.

Summer Sundries...

First, the good and delightful bits:

I have made a vegetarian vegetable pot pie, two batches of vegan chocolate-orange cupcakes with ganache and vegan chocolate-chip banana muffins this week.

I have still been feeling up and down throughout each day.  Loss of appetite, headaches and throwing up have deterred me from my morning walk and my yoga.

I have been dancing, but I have to be careful there too because it feels so good and it's so easy to over-do.

Baking early in the morning or late at night when I can't sleep seems to help me not feel so damned helpless all the time.

Too bad I can't do massage sessions at 5:00 AM or 10:00 PM on the random days that I feel okay a those times.

Now for the RANT. If you don't want to hear a cranky rant about dandelions, STOP reading NOW.

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I have not currently been sleeping well.  As a result, I am more grumpy and less able to deal with my crazy pregnant self.

I have always dealt with insomnia, but lately even my dreams are disrupting my slumber. This is one of the FEW reasons that I have no patience.

Lately, I have been losing patience with my lovely City. Firstly, there is an intersection near my house, which is a two way stop -- people RUN this stop-sign all the time. It's absolutely ridiculous. It should be a four way stop, or a G.D. roundabout since people refuse to obey traffic laws and don't realize that the CROSS street HAS TO STOP to the street that parallels MAIN street.

Secondly, the cross-walks down-town are NOT marked with blinking lights as they are in Boulder when there's a median dividing two way traffic (effectively making one street into TWO one-ways). There is a large median, huge trees and awnings/city posters in the way of visibility and the yield signs do NOTHING to help warn drivers that there could be pedestrians crossing from either side of the street.

However, our city would rather send condescending women in polo shirts around to lecture people about DANDELIONS than deal with these safety issues.

Speaking as a person who is ALLERGIC to grass, I STILL find it LUDICROUS that the city is PAYING someone to go around and measure, comment or LECTURE about this silly ordinance than to use their funding to correct BLATANTLY OBVIOUS SAFETY ISSUES.

We plan to cover our entire lawn with wood chips and either a raised bed or a mossy ground cover. That has been in the works.

I completely admit that we have a few dandelions growing in our front yard. You know what else I have to do almost every day? PICK UP OTHER PEOPLE'S GARBAGE. In MY yard!

All I can say is, I promise to take BETTER care of my dandelions if the city would STOP paying CRANKY, SNOOTY WOMEN to lecture about them.

I completely understand the "noxious weed," issue. Weeds are ugly and a P.I.T.A. They spread and are hard to get rid of sometimes -- crab-grass, goat heads, etc. Those can actually do a bit of damage.

 However,  dandelions??!

Lots of people EAT dandelions in salad --- are they REALLY such a nuisance? Besides, it's MY yard and even though the city claims it's their property (which legally, I'm sure it is) if I'm the one paying for it, then I am of the opinion that a REQUEST can respectively be made BEFORE someone who has a stupid amount of time on their hands (they're counting or measuring weeds for goodness' sake) comes to LECTURE me about it.

I listened politely. I am almost always polite.

I accept that I purchased my house within the city limits; thereby agreeing to maintain it in a proper manner.

However, I REFUSE to be lectured about the GODDAMN dangers of an edible plant, when half the time I go outside my house an UNAUTHORIZED vehicle has blocked me in, or obstructed my view so that I cannot leave my driveway safely, AND when every time I drive to a certain intersection I am NEARLY KILLED because some IDIOT is running a STOP SIGN.

DON'T talk to me about DANDELIONS!

We don't have crab-grass or friggin' POISONOUS TOXINS that could be KILLING PEOPLE in our front yard at least!

Last year, apparently someone from the city CLAIMED they measured the dandelions in our yard and sent us a NOTICE about it. Said they were over a FOOT tall. I went out and measured the THREE tiny plants --- NONE of which were above 5 inches tall. I pulled them out --- we always seem to be a day behind each other, the city and I....

THIS time, we have apparently TOO MANY dandelions. Oh they're not too tall, but there are TOO MANY.

There are perhaps seven small stems out there.

Sigh....

Maybe I'll just make a giant MUD PUDDLE SWIMMING POOL in our front yard? MAYBE I'll pave it the heck over and make it RAISED PRIVATE PARKING!

OH I know, I could OPEN A PERMANENT BEVERAGE AND BAKED GOODS STAND!

Hot chocolate, cider, coffee and pastries in the winter; lemonade, iced tea, sodas and sorbet in the summer!

I wrote an e-mail to the city about how they're "spending my tax dollars," on condescending people lecturing on foot, when there are greater "life-threatening issues," to deal with.

However, I was polite, yet indignant and irritated.

Well, what are elected officials for if not to read letters from concerned citizens? I'm not saying everyone agrees with me.

I AM pregnant though, and much more likely to have a bitchy reaction than I usually would.

We'll see what they write back.

End of Rant...

Maybe next year I'll plant FIDDLEHEAD FERNS and DANDELIONS and INSIST that to destroy them would be tantamount to razing my GARDEN to the ground! HA!

The bestest of dinners...

Some days it's too warm to turn on the oven,

Sitting and sweating as thermostats rise,

Sometimes it's hard just to click on the burner,

Watching the blue flames that dance 'fore my eyes.

Lately I've preheat 350 and left it,

Walked from the kitchen with steps quick and fast,

I sat with a book on the living room sofa,

Thinking, "I'll prep it," avoiding the blast.

Drip golden olive oil into the glass,

Spread it around so it coats every spot,

In go the pasta; sauce; water and veggies,

Now it's all ready and shoved in the hot.

Soon the delicious smell wafts through the house,

Soon I will pull it out, set it to cool.

Thickening sauce, tender noodles and veggies,

Each bite well-balanced and making us drool.

It's lazy and tasty; the easiest thing

How can one not want to munch all the time?

Aromas of roasting veggies; so very "summer,"

Chewing it slowly; life can be sublime.

Note to Self...

Dear Self,

I know you've been frustrated lately -- having no patience with others or yourself is a dangerous situation to be in.

I hope that you are working on self-love again and acknowledging the fact that you're "merely human," despite your energetic/emotional sensitivities. 

Remember what's written on your mirror? The positive affirmations? Go check those out again.

I understand that lately, answering and returning phone calls is difficult; frankly, I think you know that you're not a great phone person in the sense that the ringing makes you anxious and having to "call back," is a P.I.T.A. for you --- you do much better with letters and e-mails.

 It's difficult because many of your friends understand this, but many again do not--- and they are better at phone conversing timing than you are. That's okay; you may simply need to remind them that you dislike the phone with a few exceptions (they know who they are ;-)!

I know that this phone anxiety and irritation doesn't apply to friends/family that you've not spoken to in a while; that's super! 

Just make sure that for the others, you let people know via some other response (e-mail, letter, Facebook, etc.) that it's not that you feel disinclined to catch-up with their lives, it's rather the form of communication! 

Try sending an e-mail/letter instead of a returned phone call. It's perfectly OKAY to be an auditory person who gets over-stimulated/exhausted by the phone. 

I also understand that most of your friends know your emergency phone sequence -- if you get two or three calls in consecutive sequence, it means an emergency --- as in they need to talk IMMEDIATELY. 

The problem arises when certain people don't fully comprehend what constitutes a TRUE emergency --- problems of the "same issue," that occur repeatedly are NOT an emergency any more unless a large affecting shift has occurred. 

Don't feel guilty about your irritation when these people call twice and you feel that you know it's a "crying wolf," situation.

You're a fabulous letter writer and a great friend-- but you need your space and time to respond well too! 

The reason folks like calling you is because of your compassionate, warm, understanding and genuine nature. 

You are fairly good at curbing or refraining from judgement; whatever may be privately going on for you, you comprehend that your role is not to judge other people during times of crisis-- which is great! 

You also tend to have good reflexively reactive skills to soothe and aid in the moment -- strengths! Again, people enjoy speaking with you and the phone brings you closer when they're far away. :-D

However, being discriminating with your time is an IMPORTANT thing to do for yourself, especially considering that you're *ahem* in a delicate way.

Nothing is more important right now than the health of your body, mind and soul for the little one who is growing every day. 

It is NOT selfish to let your cell go to voicemail, rather than anxiously abandon whatever it is you're doing to "be there," for other people. 

Remember, your close friends know you quite well and will not be offended if you call them back later (if it constitutes a true emergency) or send them an e-mail when you're not occupied with the trials/tasks of your own life. 

It's terribly kitsch to say, but put your OWN oxygen mask on before assisting others... or you may end up passed out, drooling on the floor with a low pulse and brain-damage.  ;-).

I have also noticed lately that you seem to be having trouble shielding yourself from the emotions of others; listen to me little empath, you're pregnant --- you're sharing, creating and giving more energy than you ever have in your life and that means that there's less left over for the meditative practices that are second nature to protect yourself.

Take deep breaths and take MORE BREAKS if you need to from the energy of others! If you find yourself growing irritated and pissy, it's allowable to simply be excused from the affecting persons or people. 

You have the best REASON (note, I didn't say excuse) to do so: the baby. 

As with all wonderful little parasites from heaven that affect the woman who's their host body: the baby's needs come parallel or at times overtake your own. There is no shame in cutting back while dealing with all of the changes in your body -- the physical being that you're SHARING at this moment.

All your friends, family, clients and colleagues completely understand. They will wait for you, support you and be there when you come back or have more time available. Trust me.


All right, I've talked my own ear off. 

Remember: I love you too.

~ Love

P.S. HAPPY 60th ENTRY OF MORNING WALK MUSINGS WITH LOVE!

On the Edge and Teeter-Tottering...

My heart sits on the edge, 

Leaning slightly back and forth with every beat,

Am I going to fall?

I feel the edge's sharpness; a knife's gleaming quality,

Beneath my soft heart's exterior,

If it beats too strongly, will I be cut?

They say "Don't look down,"

When one is on the edge,

What if I must?

Behind my eyes, my soul is burning,

Brightly lit for all to see,

Something deep inside me stirring,

Reaching out from within me,

Pain is crinkling all my edges,

Loss is staining them with age,

These things crack because they're past,

Now I live beyond the sage.

Old familiar things are crawling,

Near the edge I balance on,

I'll sit still with breath and calling,

My life's blood to keep me strong.

Teeter-totter, my heart shifts,

Back and forth and back again,

Balanced forever?

My hands are warm and glowing,

Heating energy, showing light,

Can I help myself?

I will fall, I know it,

Determined, I'll see the hope above and below,

I'll land on love.

Cool, Clean and Under the Clouds...

We woke at 5:00 AM, had our snuggle time on the swing, J left.

I re-entered the house to put the dishes away, start a load of laundry, empty the dryer, clean the kitchen counters, read a chapter, return e-mails...

Chores done, I poured myself a second (larger) cup of tea with organic almond milk and stepped outside.


The air was crisp and clear this morning.

6:26 AM: Time to walk.

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If I close my eyes, I can hear the symphony of birds, bees, insects, water, wind, grass... 

If I open my heart, I can feel the energy singing through my veins, my blood whooshing with every beat...

If I close my thoughts, all I notice is my breath, flowing in and out seamlessly from the atmosphere to my lungs...

If I open my hands I can feel the fluid-like air trickling between my fingers and around my body...

If I close myself, I can feel my chest tighten and ache with worry...

If I open my love, I can feel the warmth in my belly rise up to meet the warmth of my heart in my ribs...

If I open and close my energy I can feel the change it causes in my center and sphere, the affect it has on everything I touch, think, speak or act upon.

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Who knows what lies ahead for this world of ours?
Who else can feel the shifts in the energy of the universe so minutely?

How many changes both negative and positive are singing a wake-up call?
How will we realize that the time is now?

When will our actions speak louder than our words to save this planet?
When will we learn that we cannot fight nature; we are part of it?

What will be the deciding factor to light the fires within our individual souls?
What will be the ultimate cost of the mistakes and waiting?

Where have we come from to misunderstand ourselves?
Where are we going to gain further truth of the universe?

Why are the ideas that can help so simple and yet, so difficult to implement for all?
Why can't we all make an effort to understand each other and get along?

Are these things possible?

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6:59 AM: Time to stop wondering.

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Love is my reason,
           my quest,
              my hope,
                my insight,
                    my purpose,
                        my message,
                          my power.

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NOW, GO HUG a TREE and BE THANKFUL that it's THERE! 

<3