The Missing October...

October was a month of leaves, introspection and wondering…

How am I going to get through all this emotion?

When will I feel quite like myself again and at home in my body?

October was full of weeks with nostalgia for something I couldn't remember…

A part of my past that was so completely through I longed for the familiar pain of it.

Silly things and old  baggage rearing up it's wrinkled muzzle to snuff around.

Halloween came.. my favourite holiday… no decorations…

No trick-or-treat…

Only a game of waiting and hoping and frustration and bewildering silence.

A week later my birthday… and events began to end.

Starting and stopping STOPPED.

November was the month of new beginnings; with turning 30 came another day to mark the calendar.

Our baby was born.

The Labyrinth of Life:

A day to sit and read in the rain,

The fragrance of wet flowing through the screen door,

The gray and dark light covers again,

Movement within my base, rolls round my core,

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There's something about sounding out typewritten keys,

A melody clicking and clacking in sotto,

To write brings me high but then down to my knees,

I long, but feel anxiously challenged; my voto.

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A winding tattoo rolls across my eyes,

The twisting and turning of magical marks,

A weaving of destined and endless surprise,

My flickering candles shine light with their sparks.

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A secret unfurling is before my soul,

Sweet whispers of strength call me to.

Soon solstice will pass and I'm thrust at my goal,

My body like oceans, will wave, curving true.

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I'm tempted and thankful and wait with my own,

Time passes and flies, but still crawls.

My face set against, leans on coolness of stone,

My lips fluid moans recompense.

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New life floats inside, small being glowing green,

The aura pulses strong and immense,

Very soon this universe welcomes body unseen,

Newborn babe you will quicken; emerge.

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Beat strongly my heart, this adventure's begun,

Words will flow, music strains to the ear.

Only love and the moon cycle sing to the sun,

First of all, enter here without fear.

<3

To Write By Candlelight:

   "Why do I have these dreams about my friends?" I wondered to myself, absent-mindedly pouring the still fairly hot kettle over the dregs in the filter.

Watching the remains of cinnamon and coffee swirl together I took a deep breath. The oils dancing on the sides and top of the cone, I felt... wistful and slightly troubled.

Lately, I'd been dreaming about a certain friend in particular; someone whom I'd seen fairly recently, but not gotten the chance to talk and catch up with. 

This person has a habit of being quiet; only not around me.

This person has a habit of saving smiles; but not around me.

This person can seem reserved to most people; not with me.

This person and I have a history - a comfortable one that we've worked hard to maintain as friends.

I bear this person no ill will, but love and care about them. 

I have known this person since I was about fifteen, and usually we communicate pretty well.

I am worried about this person because in my dreams, the energy that keeps popping up is slightly sad or wistful, distant and resigned --- and it's NOT MY ENERGY. Perhaps it's not theirs either --- maybe it belongs to someone around them...

       Lighting a small beeswax tea light and placing it in my red candle mug, I sipped my less than half a cup of weak coffee and sank into a kitchen chair, biting my lower lip.

       "I'll write a quick e-mail... I don't feel like texting at 5:00 A.M," I whispered to nobody in the kitchen.

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I've always had energetic connections to the people I'm close too --- when someone pops into my awareness, consciousness or dreams (randomly into my head at all really) I reach out to them.

I think the universe has something to do with these seemingly sporadic reminders to either stay in touch, or that someone needs to know that they're loved and cared about.

It doesn't always happen right at the moment that my loved ones need me; but sometimes I reach out at the exact moment when someone's having a wonderful or difficult time and I get to share the love with them.

If you're worried about someone, or simply thinking of them at all; go TELL them you care about them!

Life is too short not to do so. 

Besides, it doesn't matter whether they're having an amazingly good time in their life, or if they're down in the dumps or plain old bored with mediocrity... knowing someone loves you makes EVERY THING BETTER, NO MATTER WHAT!

To all my loved ones who aren't close by me at the moment: I LOVE YOU!

 Please, don't ever forget this simple truth.

<3

Errant Errands...

A Haiku for YOU:

Errant errands now,

Don't want to go at all now!

Sigh; it must be done.

Weird Dreams and Worries...

Meanwhile.... back in the kitchen...
   
   "I keep having strange dreams," I murmured over my finger of coffee. I sipped it as one would a fine scotch.

        "Darlin', I hate to break it to you, but you've always had crazy dreams," J said smiling, his eyes teasing me over his own steaming and full cup.

Coffee. Black. Hot.

That's what we drink in the morning. I have a few sips and normally don't finish my finger's worth, because I don't want my baby to be born addicted to caffeine or too small, or jittery or whatever the horrendous findings of coffee and pregnant women studies have concluded.

However, I am also human and fallible; therefore I like to have a few sips in the morning. Among it being one of my comforts (tea another --- naturally decaffeinated of course) it is also delicious and helps keep things... ahem... moving during pregnancy.

I am beginning to tire again. Things are not as difficult as they were during the beginning of my pregnancy and the stupid progesterone, which I never needed, nor should have been on that wacked out my hormonal levels, but here I am beginning the third trimester (!!!) and finding that things are difficult in another way.

My emotions have continued to swing all over the place. I'm not crying as much now (THANK GOODNESS) but I'm once again fighting the overwhelming urge I have to nap during the day again.

I'm not sure why I don't like the idea of it, but I don't. Normally, when I take naps it's because I'm ill or on vacation. Generally sleeping for a couple to a few hours during daylight means that when it's time to go to bed at 8:30 PM (because we wake up at 4:30 AM) I cannot sleep.

I've been "sick," during my whole pregnancy, which basically means, I have puked from day to day and time to time; sometimes more than other times and occasionally I have a day (the day before yesterday) where I am vomit-free (HOORAY!).

I am used to this by now. It's not upsetting any more (especially since it's a HUGE change from feeling sick twenty-four hours a day; seven days a week).

The specialist doctor who works with my midwife; we'll call him Doc Once-ler (like the character in Dr. Seuss, because he's been that in my head since I met him) just tells me calmly that "a sick Mom means a healthy baby," and not to worry about it because I seem to be "simply very sensitive to the hormonal shifts of pregnancy," meaning that as the baby grows and my levels change throughout the day, my body notices and I barf.

He's fabulous. So is my midwife. Seriously, I'm REALLY THANKFUL that they're my team for this pregnancy.

Mostly lately though, I find myself to be exceedingly mentally exhausted.

There are all these questions:

• Do we really need that _____ on the baby list of "crap that's essential,"?

• What if _____ happens?

• Where are we going to put the baby clothes I just washed in our tiny house with tiny closets which are full?

• A _____ can't fit in the _____ , but do we need one?

• It seems as though the baby has shifted and it feels weird, is it _____?

• We got _____ and it's ugly and probably won't _____ anyway, so I'm going to donate it.

• I've been eating mostly fruit, oatmeal bread, some cheese, one serving of protein and 2 luna bars with green smoothies each day, am I _____ up my kid?

• I've had a week and a half off from work, are my clients _____?

• We need to _____ the _____ before the baby comes and we haven't done it yet!

• We still need to buy _____ for the birth and we haven't yet.

• I feel the urge to buy _____  to have it ready for _____, but we agreed not to spend right now.

Plus several more ridiculous thoughts that seem crazy to me-- the other night I realized I was lying in bed awake waiting to hear the front door window break and for the cats to be shot or injured. 

Ri-di-cu-lous!

Also, I MUST currently have the kitchen counters, sinks and stove CLEAN. Always. 

Why? It makes no sense. 

Everyone tells me I'm "nesting," which is probably true-- if we had all the designated space finished for this baby, I'd have everything folded and put away, but we don't know how we're going to store things yet because we live with tiny closets and a tiny bathroom and high ceilings but tiny bedroom footprints. 

Everything will work out and be organized and fine; I know this.

I try not to assign meaning to everything and just take things one moment at a time.

My partner has been AMAZING (as usual) but things are getting to him too -- cranky pants have been OUT lately. 

We've laughed about a lot of things and we'll keep laughing and surviving and saying "oh, isn't life funny and interesting," to one another until this kid arrives.

THEN the REAL difficulties and joys and OHMYGOSHWE'REREALLYPARENTSNOW begins.

Please, oh please, let me make it to that with my sense of humour about myself intact.

The Crescent Moon Winks in the Waking Dawn...

The crescent moon winks in the waking dawn,

as I look up and behold her.

The lamp posts glow with a golden sheen,

and my footsteps ring below here.

The air is cool and pleasant now,

with a blue-tinged pink arising.

To close one's eyes and breathe in slowly,

the ribs expansion surprising.

There's a misty element to the streets,

and the morning dew's still settled.

I imagine up an ocean breeze,

though I'm landlocked and slightly nettled.

So much change to come, much more change has passed, 

I am living and breathing and holding fast,

I can feel the wind, as it shifts on high,

'There is so much more to learn,' it sighs,

Just remember this, if you don't all else;

The key to all things is: 

To know oneself.

Summer Sundries...

First, the good and delightful bits:

I have made a vegetarian vegetable pot pie, two batches of vegan chocolate-orange cupcakes with ganache and vegan chocolate-chip banana muffins this week.

I have still been feeling up and down throughout each day.  Loss of appetite, headaches and throwing up have deterred me from my morning walk and my yoga.

I have been dancing, but I have to be careful there too because it feels so good and it's so easy to over-do.

Baking early in the morning or late at night when I can't sleep seems to help me not feel so damned helpless all the time.

Too bad I can't do massage sessions at 5:00 AM or 10:00 PM on the random days that I feel okay a those times.

Now for the RANT. If you don't want to hear a cranky rant about dandelions, STOP reading NOW.

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I have not currently been sleeping well.  As a result, I am more grumpy and less able to deal with my crazy pregnant self.

I have always dealt with insomnia, but lately even my dreams are disrupting my slumber. This is one of the FEW reasons that I have no patience.

Lately, I have been losing patience with my lovely City. Firstly, there is an intersection near my house, which is a two way stop -- people RUN this stop-sign all the time. It's absolutely ridiculous. It should be a four way stop, or a G.D. roundabout since people refuse to obey traffic laws and don't realize that the CROSS street HAS TO STOP to the street that parallels MAIN street.

Secondly, the cross-walks down-town are NOT marked with blinking lights as they are in Boulder when there's a median dividing two way traffic (effectively making one street into TWO one-ways). There is a large median, huge trees and awnings/city posters in the way of visibility and the yield signs do NOTHING to help warn drivers that there could be pedestrians crossing from either side of the street.

However, our city would rather send condescending women in polo shirts around to lecture people about DANDELIONS than deal with these safety issues.

Speaking as a person who is ALLERGIC to grass, I STILL find it LUDICROUS that the city is PAYING someone to go around and measure, comment or LECTURE about this silly ordinance than to use their funding to correct BLATANTLY OBVIOUS SAFETY ISSUES.

We plan to cover our entire lawn with wood chips and either a raised bed or a mossy ground cover. That has been in the works.

I completely admit that we have a few dandelions growing in our front yard. You know what else I have to do almost every day? PICK UP OTHER PEOPLE'S GARBAGE. In MY yard!

All I can say is, I promise to take BETTER care of my dandelions if the city would STOP paying CRANKY, SNOOTY WOMEN to lecture about them.

I completely understand the "noxious weed," issue. Weeds are ugly and a P.I.T.A. They spread and are hard to get rid of sometimes -- crab-grass, goat heads, etc. Those can actually do a bit of damage.

 However,  dandelions??!

Lots of people EAT dandelions in salad --- are they REALLY such a nuisance? Besides, it's MY yard and even though the city claims it's their property (which legally, I'm sure it is) if I'm the one paying for it, then I am of the opinion that a REQUEST can respectively be made BEFORE someone who has a stupid amount of time on their hands (they're counting or measuring weeds for goodness' sake) comes to LECTURE me about it.

I listened politely. I am almost always polite.

I accept that I purchased my house within the city limits; thereby agreeing to maintain it in a proper manner.

However, I REFUSE to be lectured about the GODDAMN dangers of an edible plant, when half the time I go outside my house an UNAUTHORIZED vehicle has blocked me in, or obstructed my view so that I cannot leave my driveway safely, AND when every time I drive to a certain intersection I am NEARLY KILLED because some IDIOT is running a STOP SIGN.

DON'T talk to me about DANDELIONS!

We don't have crab-grass or friggin' POISONOUS TOXINS that could be KILLING PEOPLE in our front yard at least!

Last year, apparently someone from the city CLAIMED they measured the dandelions in our yard and sent us a NOTICE about it. Said they were over a FOOT tall. I went out and measured the THREE tiny plants --- NONE of which were above 5 inches tall. I pulled them out --- we always seem to be a day behind each other, the city and I....

THIS time, we have apparently TOO MANY dandelions. Oh they're not too tall, but there are TOO MANY.

There are perhaps seven small stems out there.

Sigh....

Maybe I'll just make a giant MUD PUDDLE SWIMMING POOL in our front yard? MAYBE I'll pave it the heck over and make it RAISED PRIVATE PARKING!

OH I know, I could OPEN A PERMANENT BEVERAGE AND BAKED GOODS STAND!

Hot chocolate, cider, coffee and pastries in the winter; lemonade, iced tea, sodas and sorbet in the summer!

I wrote an e-mail to the city about how they're "spending my tax dollars," on condescending people lecturing on foot, when there are greater "life-threatening issues," to deal with.

However, I was polite, yet indignant and irritated.

Well, what are elected officials for if not to read letters from concerned citizens? I'm not saying everyone agrees with me.

I AM pregnant though, and much more likely to have a bitchy reaction than I usually would.

We'll see what they write back.

End of Rant...

Maybe next year I'll plant FIDDLEHEAD FERNS and DANDELIONS and INSIST that to destroy them would be tantamount to razing my GARDEN to the ground! HA!