Needy November:

I am not good at asking for help.
I have been this way my whole life; it feels as though if I need help, I am somehow a weaker person.
The truth about asking for help is this: You are a STRONGER person if you're able to ASK FOR HELP.

Our Sam was born the day after my birthday. He was 8 pounds and one ounce and 21.5 inches of amazing.

I won't go into the details of his birth on this medium, except to say that I did as I expected to almost the end, and then everything went wonky for me.

Sam was born safely; I birthed successfully, but things that I didn't expect to happen kept on happening.

The end of his birth was a shock.
Healing was a shock and never before have I been forced to ask for so much help.
I could not imagine going through any of this alone.

I had no idea that time would go through Christmas, and I am still not completely healed.

I am going to write out the story of our birth experience one day, but I'm not sure if I'll post it here.

The good news is: Samuel is an incredible baby. He and I have bonded and worked so hard for each other. My partner and husband Jody is amazing and has gone above and beyond the call of duty for a mate.

The bitter news is: I am still healing emotionally and physically.

Every day things get better, and of course I am grateful for our baby every day.

The thing is, when someone has something crazy difficult to deal with, and every one says "But focus on the positive outcome," it's INVALIDATING to the person who went through, or is currently going through something hard.

Handling a life-altering, insanely difficult task is an immense thing to have to process and continue processing; be it trauma or something that you thought you chose that continues to be a daily struggle.

Never judge anyone until you've walked two moons in their moccasins.

Be kind and don't tell someone to "Look at the bright side," until they're ready… so guess what? They KNOW what the bright side is, but it's not an option for them in their process right now. Maybe they'll get there, maybe they won't, but trying to force a person's perspective is like trying to shove a book through through a keyhole: it's going to be an impossible, tearing mess that makes you want to cry sometimes.

This entry is dedicated to Krissy and Heidi.

All my love.

The Missing October...

October was a month of leaves, introspection and wondering…

How am I going to get through all this emotion?

When will I feel quite like myself again and at home in my body?

October was full of weeks with nostalgia for something I couldn't remember…

A part of my past that was so completely through I longed for the familiar pain of it.

Silly things and old  baggage rearing up it's wrinkled muzzle to snuff around.

Halloween came.. my favourite holiday… no decorations…

No trick-or-treat…

Only a game of waiting and hoping and frustration and bewildering silence.

A week later my birthday… and events began to end.

Starting and stopping STOPPED.

November was the month of new beginnings; with turning 30 came another day to mark the calendar.

Our baby was born.

The Labyrinth of Life:

A day to sit and read in the rain,

The fragrance of wet flowing through the screen door,

The gray and dark light covers again,

Movement within my base, rolls round my core,

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There's something about sounding out typewritten keys,

A melody clicking and clacking in sotto,

To write brings me high but then down to my knees,

I long, but feel anxiously challenged; my voto.

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A winding tattoo rolls across my eyes,

The twisting and turning of magical marks,

A weaving of destined and endless surprise,

My flickering candles shine light with their sparks.

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A secret unfurling is before my soul,

Sweet whispers of strength call me to.

Soon solstice will pass and I'm thrust at my goal,

My body like oceans, will wave, curving true.

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I'm tempted and thankful and wait with my own,

Time passes and flies, but still crawls.

My face set against, leans on coolness of stone,

My lips fluid moans recompense.

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New life floats inside, small being glowing green,

The aura pulses strong and immense,

Very soon this universe welcomes body unseen,

Newborn babe you will quicken; emerge.

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Beat strongly my heart, this adventure's begun,

Words will flow, music strains to the ear.

Only love and the moon cycle sing to the sun,

First of all, enter here without fear.

<3

To Write By Candlelight:

   "Why do I have these dreams about my friends?" I wondered to myself, absent-mindedly pouring the still fairly hot kettle over the dregs in the filter.

Watching the remains of cinnamon and coffee swirl together I took a deep breath. The oils dancing on the sides and top of the cone, I felt... wistful and slightly troubled.

Lately, I'd been dreaming about a certain friend in particular; someone whom I'd seen fairly recently, but not gotten the chance to talk and catch up with. 

This person has a habit of being quiet; only not around me.

This person has a habit of saving smiles; but not around me.

This person can seem reserved to most people; not with me.

This person and I have a history - a comfortable one that we've worked hard to maintain as friends.

I bear this person no ill will, but love and care about them. 

I have known this person since I was about fifteen, and usually we communicate pretty well.

I am worried about this person because in my dreams, the energy that keeps popping up is slightly sad or wistful, distant and resigned --- and it's NOT MY ENERGY. Perhaps it's not theirs either --- maybe it belongs to someone around them...

       Lighting a small beeswax tea light and placing it in my red candle mug, I sipped my less than half a cup of weak coffee and sank into a kitchen chair, biting my lower lip.

       "I'll write a quick e-mail... I don't feel like texting at 5:00 A.M," I whispered to nobody in the kitchen.

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I've always had energetic connections to the people I'm close too --- when someone pops into my awareness, consciousness or dreams (randomly into my head at all really) I reach out to them.

I think the universe has something to do with these seemingly sporadic reminders to either stay in touch, or that someone needs to know that they're loved and cared about.

It doesn't always happen right at the moment that my loved ones need me; but sometimes I reach out at the exact moment when someone's having a wonderful or difficult time and I get to share the love with them.

If you're worried about someone, or simply thinking of them at all; go TELL them you care about them!

Life is too short not to do so. 

Besides, it doesn't matter whether they're having an amazingly good time in their life, or if they're down in the dumps or plain old bored with mediocrity... knowing someone loves you makes EVERY THING BETTER, NO MATTER WHAT!

To all my loved ones who aren't close by me at the moment: I LOVE YOU!

 Please, don't ever forget this simple truth.

<3

Errant Errands...

A Haiku for YOU:

Errant errands now,

Don't want to go at all now!

Sigh; it must be done.

Weird Dreams and Worries...

Meanwhile.... back in the kitchen...
   
   "I keep having strange dreams," I murmured over my finger of coffee. I sipped it as one would a fine scotch.

        "Darlin', I hate to break it to you, but you've always had crazy dreams," J said smiling, his eyes teasing me over his own steaming and full cup.

Coffee. Black. Hot.

That's what we drink in the morning. I have a few sips and normally don't finish my finger's worth, because I don't want my baby to be born addicted to caffeine or too small, or jittery or whatever the horrendous findings of coffee and pregnant women studies have concluded.

However, I am also human and fallible; therefore I like to have a few sips in the morning. Among it being one of my comforts (tea another --- naturally decaffeinated of course) it is also delicious and helps keep things... ahem... moving during pregnancy.

I am beginning to tire again. Things are not as difficult as they were during the beginning of my pregnancy and the stupid progesterone, which I never needed, nor should have been on that wacked out my hormonal levels, but here I am beginning the third trimester (!!!) and finding that things are difficult in another way.

My emotions have continued to swing all over the place. I'm not crying as much now (THANK GOODNESS) but I'm once again fighting the overwhelming urge I have to nap during the day again.

I'm not sure why I don't like the idea of it, but I don't. Normally, when I take naps it's because I'm ill or on vacation. Generally sleeping for a couple to a few hours during daylight means that when it's time to go to bed at 8:30 PM (because we wake up at 4:30 AM) I cannot sleep.

I've been "sick," during my whole pregnancy, which basically means, I have puked from day to day and time to time; sometimes more than other times and occasionally I have a day (the day before yesterday) where I am vomit-free (HOORAY!).

I am used to this by now. It's not upsetting any more (especially since it's a HUGE change from feeling sick twenty-four hours a day; seven days a week).

The specialist doctor who works with my midwife; we'll call him Doc Once-ler (like the character in Dr. Seuss, because he's been that in my head since I met him) just tells me calmly that "a sick Mom means a healthy baby," and not to worry about it because I seem to be "simply very sensitive to the hormonal shifts of pregnancy," meaning that as the baby grows and my levels change throughout the day, my body notices and I barf.

He's fabulous. So is my midwife. Seriously, I'm REALLY THANKFUL that they're my team for this pregnancy.

Mostly lately though, I find myself to be exceedingly mentally exhausted.

There are all these questions:

• Do we really need that _____ on the baby list of "crap that's essential,"?

• What if _____ happens?

• Where are we going to put the baby clothes I just washed in our tiny house with tiny closets which are full?

• A _____ can't fit in the _____ , but do we need one?

• It seems as though the baby has shifted and it feels weird, is it _____?

• We got _____ and it's ugly and probably won't _____ anyway, so I'm going to donate it.

• I've been eating mostly fruit, oatmeal bread, some cheese, one serving of protein and 2 luna bars with green smoothies each day, am I _____ up my kid?

• I've had a week and a half off from work, are my clients _____?

• We need to _____ the _____ before the baby comes and we haven't done it yet!

• We still need to buy _____ for the birth and we haven't yet.

• I feel the urge to buy _____  to have it ready for _____, but we agreed not to spend right now.

Plus several more ridiculous thoughts that seem crazy to me-- the other night I realized I was lying in bed awake waiting to hear the front door window break and for the cats to be shot or injured. 

Ri-di-cu-lous!

Also, I MUST currently have the kitchen counters, sinks and stove CLEAN. Always. 

Why? It makes no sense. 

Everyone tells me I'm "nesting," which is probably true-- if we had all the designated space finished for this baby, I'd have everything folded and put away, but we don't know how we're going to store things yet because we live with tiny closets and a tiny bathroom and high ceilings but tiny bedroom footprints. 

Everything will work out and be organized and fine; I know this.

I try not to assign meaning to everything and just take things one moment at a time.

My partner has been AMAZING (as usual) but things are getting to him too -- cranky pants have been OUT lately. 

We've laughed about a lot of things and we'll keep laughing and surviving and saying "oh, isn't life funny and interesting," to one another until this kid arrives.

THEN the REAL difficulties and joys and OHMYGOSHWE'REREALLYPARENTSNOW begins.

Please, oh please, let me make it to that with my sense of humour about myself intact.

The Crescent Moon Winks in the Waking Dawn...

The crescent moon winks in the waking dawn,

as I look up and behold her.

The lamp posts glow with a golden sheen,

and my footsteps ring below here.

The air is cool and pleasant now,

with a blue-tinged pink arising.

To close one's eyes and breathe in slowly,

the ribs expansion surprising.

There's a misty element to the streets,

and the morning dew's still settled.

I imagine up an ocean breeze,

though I'm landlocked and slightly nettled.

So much change to come, much more change has passed, 

I am living and breathing and holding fast,

I can feel the wind, as it shifts on high,

'There is so much more to learn,' it sighs,

Just remember this, if you don't all else;

The key to all things is: 

To know oneself.